After the IVF

The wee one is one month old as of yesterday. In Chinese culture, the 1 month birthday is a cause for celebration. It also involves red eggs, but we decided to give her a small taste of vanilla ice cream instead. She liked it. I can't not believe that one month has passed and I am still keeping her alive/ thriving. She has gained 2 pounds since her birthweight and in spite of my fumbling attempts (me trying to stay awake at the midnight feeding) at motherhood. Her due date is next Sunday and my dh likes to joke about my maternity leave actually beginning then.

She also got some birthday presents from grandma of 2 new outfits that actually fit her and keep her warm. I didn't have a lot of newborn/ size 0 outfits because of what everyone tells you about them growing fast/ being big. She is also a blanket kicker and thus has chilly hands and feet if I am not on blanket patrol. She is still too small for the blanket sleepers, so the new outfits really help.

I am lifting my head out of the newborn/ new mom/ sleep deprivation fog every few moments more the last few days. It is like swimming underwater in a long lap lane at the pool and taking a breath of air in the "real world." Also all the time spent sitting feeding and rocking my baby gives my ever busy mind things to think about. One is about mommy-hood.

A lot of the pregnancy/ childcare/ ass-vice books tell you to seek out other new moms to bond with. I don't disagree at all with this, as in fact I see this blogging a way to reach out and "touch." I do find it challenging in the "world" I live in. I think because of the infertility issues, many of the people I have been close to are childless for one reason or another. I do have many friends that are my age (older mommy) that have babies and kids, but they are all so busy, busy taking care of the kids, working full time, and trying to keep their marriage together, etc. that we don't see each other much. One of my lifelines has been my bf here that juggles a busy OB/Gyn practice, 2 babies under 2, a stepdaughter in her teens, and her dh. Perhaps I am at this crossroads realizing I am transforming into one of these busy moms. If we were in the world of my childhood where all the mom's were stay at home and the neighborhood was full of fellow moms maybe I wouldn't feel like this. (My neighborhood is actually full of baby boomers who have empty nests...I think this may be more of a factor of the smallness of the population of my generation.)

Maybe I just think too much....after all I am not the first mother in the world. I can be, by nature very introverted and naturally have sequestered myself and baby and immediate family telling all visitors to stay away for a week more until I gather my wits (also doctor's suggestion for the health of baby and myself). True or not, I perceive visitors as friendly but way too inquisitive. Too many questions are often asked that I cannot answer. My response so far (even to just family members) is I don't know or I haven't decided yet.

It's the conundrum of the modern woman...so many choices, so many options, no right, no wrong, all right, all wrong? Just a clueless 1st time mom? In spite of my fog, the baby is doing remarkably well.

When I was pregnant, inquiring minds wanted to know whether I would breast or bottle feed. Apparently a big decision in mommy world. I didn't really know I answered...I'm going to see what happens.

Now, because of the preemie/ NICU stay I was

1. Pumping milk to give to her in bottles

then I got tired of pumping and feeding (lots of time/ work) so I figured it was formula time BUT
baby decided to

2. Breastfeed at my boobs!

so now I am here and she is 3 weeks old and sucking away and I have been thru the gauntlet of sore nipples, scabs, and boppy pillows. I have bought some clothes with "nursing slits" and more nursing bras (I only had one, but have been making do with regular bras and just strpping down as I have been cooconing at home). So I return to work in 6 weeks so what then?

3. Breastfeeding as possible with pumping at work?

perhaps that is next...

I know, I know, everyone has a list of stuff you need for the baby so here's mine. It is ironic I call mine minimalist as I received every baby outfit sold in the surrounding 200 mile radius at my gianormous shower. And yes, I am one of those IVF mom's who didn't get a nursery decorated or have a "theme" or "colors." Here's hoping it will help someone out there in blogland.

Newborn essentials for me

1. Car seat to take baby home in from the hospital.
2. DIapers in appropriate size (may need to buy various brands...I've tried them all...she actually does best on the Target generic brand). My baby was littler than expected so we had to go get the N size (newborn) as the 300 size 1's (from diaper cake at shower) were too big and she leaked everywhere)
3. Urp/ burp cloths - especially if bottle feeding. She had less urps when I started nursing.
4. Onesies - count on at least 2 a day
5. Crib/ bed/ etc.
6. Crib sheet - 4 in one - my sister in law sent me these...so wonderful. They lay on top and have straps that snap onto the crib slats. My mattress is tightly wedged, so all the crib sheets (normal ones) are very difficult and time consuming to put on.
7. blankets - you can't have too many, especially the small flannel ones.
8. Case of bottled water for where you hang out/ feed baby/ near bed. I was amazingly thirsty all the time from pumping and breastfeeding.
9. Changing table with clothes basket and diaper pail (with cover) and scented plastic bags in throwing distance.
10. Some kind soul (my dh) to throw out diapers each day into garbage.
11. Helpful relative/ friend (my mom) to take care of you...for at least 2 weeks
12. If breastfeeding, washable cotton nursing pads, bras (several), t-shirts, lansinoh nipple ointment, boppy pillow, back pillow, glider/ comfy chair


possibly more later...

After a nice weekend with baby and family, I have come to a truce with the apnea monitor. Just 1 loose leads alarm, 1 fast heartrate (another false alarm) and 1 apnea (occured while I was feeding her with a bottle...she was shallow breathing). We have different leads that aren't binding her and I have learned to let go of my frustration and try my best to follow doctor's orders.

I did get to walk in my neighborhood with my dh last night. It was so nice, I haven't been able to walk for exercise/ anxiety/ sanity in over a month. Will see my Ob for a follow-up today...have some questions for him concerning my PCOS and whether or not to use contraception.

After a nice weekend with baby and family, I have come to a truce with the apnea monitor. Just 1 loose leads alarm, 1 fast heartrate (another false alarm) and 1 apnea (occured while I was feeding her with a bottle...she was shallow breathing). We have different leads that aren't binding her and I have learned to let go of my frustration and try my best to follow doctor's orders.

I did get to walk in my neighborhood with my dh last night. It was so nice, I haven't been able to walk for exercise/ anxiety/ sanity in over a month. Will see my Ob for a follow-up today...have some questions for him concerning my PCOS and whether or not to use contraception.

The happy family is together at home and all is well except for the ANNOYING apnea monitor. At first it provided us with peace of mind and knowledge that our baby was breathing and heart beating. After many false alarms ("loose leads") and getting tangled up in the cords it is trying my patience. No apnea or heart rate issues for 1 week.

The baby is doing so well...eating 1-2 ounces every 3 hours, peeing, pooing, playing...I gave her a break off the monitor this AM and she was so much more peaceful and contented without it. I tried to put it back on her and she cried so much and kind of turned purple...I almost cried too. I gave up and am waiting for the peditrician's office to open after lunch to talk to them.

I don't want to be a bad mother/ non-compliant person, but I really don't think we need this. Her father, grandmother, and I watch her constantly and we are trained in CPR (I am a physician myself). Her own pedi even said that the pedi cardiologists believe these machines are "worthless" but she did want to keep monitoring her. I am willing to sign a paper saying I won't sue them or endanger my child. I just have this gut feeling that she is doing and will do fine without it.

Last night we were saying a blessing before dinner and my DH said, thanks for bringing out baby back home. I was thinking "back home?" Well that's actually right...she has been with me (at home, at work, etc) for the past 8 months and now our family (that's so cool to say/ write) is all back together under one roof.

I survived 24 hours so far with baby at home...apnea monitor and everything. She was prescribed some medication which is actually caffeine to stimulate her respiratory drive but I still have not gotten it due to incompetence/ misinformation at the fricking pharmacy (a major chain pharmacy with 24 hour 7 days service which I have a lot of problems with...begins with "W") and the insurance company. I tried to buy it with my own money but the pharmacy was reluctant and told me to call my doctor to change the medicine. Crazy! I called a buddy of mine who is a hospital pharmacist and drug guru and I called the NICU this AM and spoke with the nurse and later the doctor (he called me back!) and they throught it was wacky also. I am going to the locally owned pharmacy tomorrow (was not open on Sat) and figure it out. In the meantime I have samples of medicine and I drank a Dr. Pepper today (had been limiting my caffeine)...should pass on to the breast milk!

Back to the baby (baby on the brain)...she is totally wonderful and I know she has been stressed out being at the NICU and now it is time to relax at home with mommy and daddy.

Hi all, I am feeling somewhat human again. The baby is still in NICU but has made a lot of progress. No more CPAP (she pulled it off herself!) and O2. She is feeding (some of my breastmilk too!) and the TPN is off. She is slated to make the ride home on Wednesday if all is well. She seems a lot more peaceful and happy with fewer tubes.

My breasts are humongous (and I actually want to wear a bra!) and making milk. I am not one of those women who was going to be fanatical about the breast feeding issue. But because she is in NICU, I felt that was the one thing I could contribute to her well being and really made a effort to pump my milk even though at times I wanted to give up. Thankfully, my best friend gave me her electric breast pump and I really everything I could about relaxing visualizing the milking coming out. My mom and mother in law are curious and leary about the breastfeeding thing because they are of the time when that was NOT encouraged, but they seem to be coming around. I explained to them now a days they don't even give the "shot" that stopped milk and everyone has to deal with the breast milk coming in anyway whether you feed or not.

So Happy 4th everyone and I wish you all the best!

Lindsey came 10:15 yesterday morning after my water broke at 4am... she is in NICU (34 5/7 weeks) but doing very well. I am home from the hospital after what is the shortest labor and delivery experience I have ever heard of in a primagravida. We all thought I was going to be a C-Section as the baby has been breech everytime we look, but miraculously, she turned and I delivered her vaginally. I think my daughter actually pushed herself/ crawled out. (EPIDURALS ARE WONDERFUL).

As for my new daughter, I visit the NICU with the urge to try to find her underneath all the tubes...especially it seems like she is trying to pull them all out and say "Hey, I don't belong here!"

I am tired, slow moving and am still trying to grasp the reality that I am a mother...perhaps when I finally get to hold her for more than a few minutes.