After the IVF

Moving On

2006-08-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided to move on to a new blog because the title of this one may mislead people to think I am still in the throes of IVF. Perhaps I will be again someday, but for now I will be here.

http://keepinongirl.blogspot.com/

It still amazes me

2006-07-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I got my period today. It still amazes me that after I had the baby that I am now getting periods. Irregular, but yes, I am having them. Does it really mean I am ovulating? Or is it the weirdness of PCOS? It could be either. At least I know I haven't gone into menopause in my 30s.

On another note, I found the greatest bargain today. I get such a high when I get what I want at a rock bottom price. My sis is getting married and needs a strapless corset bra for under her dress and of couse, she hates to shop. I went to the store to look for one for her as I have one I got 3 years ago that I loved. (It was comfy and pushed out and pulled in what needed to be). I asked the saleslady and she said they discontinued them, but that there might be some in the sale pile. I dug around and found one in the right size and color and it was marked down to $8.50 from $35. Whoo Hoo! When the lady rung it up, apparently there was additional 30% off all sales items and it was only $5.95. Double Whoo Hoo!

The great unknown

2006-07-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been thinking about what is next for me in the reproductive games. I had an appointment for my "yearly" last month but I cancelled it because of a conflict and also because in the back of my mind I thought about scheduling it with my RE (she does yearly stuff too) in order to get her opinion on my hopes for another baby. I still have not scheduled it.

I don't feel in any hurry to see her at all, but sometimes I think about the time it took to get where I am now. Not that anything is guaranteed of course and I actually did not have to wait for too too long for the baby. I know my dh and I hope that #2 could possibly come the old fashioned way. Maybe in the next 6 months, maybe in 5 years. Who knows? I guess I do know my uterus works really well..just need to kick start those ovaries and get those fallopian tubes open. I feel again like I am traveling on a highway, without a map, and wondering which exit I should take.

Chicken Pops

2006-07-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

The wee one felt feverish last night and as I was taking off her clothes for a bath, I noticed...hmmm...those really look like chicken pox. Oh crap, she's one of those that gets a mild case after the vaccine. She got her shots a week ago. I tylenoled her and she felt asleep. Today there were a few more, but not more than about 30 total I counted. No more fever, but some diarrhea. Otherwise she is eating and playing, just more fussy than usual. I remember a few years ago, a father brought in his kid and wanted me to check if he had "Chicken Pops." The staff and other doctors freaked out as this kid should have been isolated from the unexposed (babies and pregnant women). Anyway, I told them yes, indeed, he had Chicken Pox (Pops).

Grey's Anatomy - The Art of Suffering

2006-07-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am not a big tv person, but there are a few shows that I have been TIVOing and enjoying with great interest. They include Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway, and House Hunters. Interesting assortment, but they are all definately chick interest shows. Grey's Anatomy is about a bunch of surgical residents in a hospital in Seattle. Sometimes it is a bit soap operaish but mostly it is insightful and melancholy. The main character, Meredith, is suffering through many things: being an intern (surgical!) at a hospital where her mother used to be a great surgeon and who now has Alzheimers and is in a home, her lover turns out to be her boss and married to another faculty member, and she is estranged from her father. She is alone all except her fellow intern friends. Her life is all about suffering and the only happy moments are when she is taking care of patients. I certainly enjoy the show for all its drama and the cute guys on it, but there is something about Meredith that I can relate to. It is not the life I am living now, but parts of my life were reminiscent of what she is going through. I remember that feeling of loving someone who did not love me back and wanting something I could not have. The feelings of highs and lows, the rush of lust and the emptiness of being alone. The pleasure was fleeting and sometimes even came with the suffering.

Of course, I relate to the consuming work of the internship and residency, when all your life was work and how little sleep and how little of a life you had. And the only people you had time to socialize (and date/ sleep with), were the same people ou saw everyday and everynight. And how awful and annoying that became after a while. My pleasure was in learning and taking care of my patients, but during the time of training, especially in the later times, I began to crave a normal life. A life of time in my own house, travel, a husband that did not remind me of my work (I was married at the time to a doctor and we went thru a divorce at the end of my residency. I am now married to a non doctor), and children. I began to want to grow up and wanted a life that was more than my work.

I actually did not really want to have a child until this realization and until I met my current dh. So here I am now, extrapolating on a TV show that is haunting to me.

Shots oh shots

2006-07-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

We (I) survived the 1 year visit to the doctor's. Man, there are a lot of shots! Including the TB test and blood draw to check for anemia, the poor babe was poked 7 times. Thank goodness she will not remember any of it. I know that it is for her good and my medical mind knows that it is needed, but my mama heart hurt for my baby's cries. I don't even like taking her to the doctor (who by the way is a perfectly nice doctor and has a spotless office) because I think about all the other sick (germy) kids there. Sunday school doesn't bother me because I hope that people don't bring sick kids to church! She did note that her eyes had some crossed-ness, which I and my family have also been noticing (and it seems to be getting better). She recommend we take her to the opthalomogist for a visit. I have made an appointment, but I am debating whether to go or just observe some more. I asked my dh and he says well, we'll get his opinion and follow it. I just hate the thought of sitting in another doctor's office (this one with mostly old people checking on their cataracts and glaucoma). But I think I am fortunate that my child is healthy and doing quite well and not in the doctor's office very much at all.

It's all good

2006-07-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well, back to routine today for me. The weekend went very well and was eventful. The far away grandparents arrived for the birthday festivities and I struggled with a mild stomach bug (and 1 night of mind numbing flu like fatigue) before the grand 1st birthday party. The party was great, the baby and all in attendance (many children to my delight) all were happy and well fed. I have had to take a nap everyday since Thursday and today back at work, I struggled to keep awake and alert in the afternoon. Well, have to break that habit, but it is deliciously luxurious to have time just to lay down and sleep. I am so activity and task oriented, it is something I need to do more often. Only it often messes up my bedtime. So tonight I should fall asleep easier sans nap.

The Holiday Weekend

2006-06-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone has been asking me how I plan to spend my 4th of July holiday weekend. Well, I admit, it has not been at the top of my list because this weekend, the holiday celebration I am looking forward to is my daughter's 1st birthday party. The folks are gathering for a party and I am making sure we have enough spoons for the ice cream (Oh crap, I need to remember to buy ice cream). A year ago tonight, I was lying on the couch (bedrest) watching Lemony Snicket, unknowing that I would go into labor at 2 AM 5 1/2 weeks early. A year ago tomorrow, I would be looking at my new daughter. So here I am on the brink of the celebrations for the birth of our great country and the birth of my 1st child, what a great weekend to look forward to!

My new favorite song

2006-06-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

Oooooh...it's Paris Hilton's Stars are Blind...JUST KIDDING

It is Nelly Furtado's Say It Right. Really cool beat...hear it is produced by Timbaland, apparently big in the hip hop world. Anyway, I LIKE it. Kind of reminds me of the music in the belly dancing class I took once.

I wish I was smart enough to figure out how to broadcast it on my blog.

Eleemosynary

2006-06-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

I took my dh to a chick play last night and it was great. It was a 3 woman play with very minimilist costuming and set design. Basically it addresses 3 generations of women, their love, their frustrations with what they can't have, and how they deal with it. The grandma wanted to go to college, but was forced to marry and bear children instead. The mom wanted to have a baby (at 18), but was forced to abort and go to school instead. The daughter wanted to be with her mother, but because of the mother's anger at grandma, is left to be raised by grandma. It was really well done and I think it really reflects many women's lives to some degree or another.

Mothering is often not done by the mother. I think of my grandmothers. I didn't know one because she died when I was young, but she had 8 kids and most were distributed among relatives to live with for most of their lives. This was not because she was uncaring but because of Chinese custom and the circumstances of World War II. The other grandmother was widowed in her 30s with 3 kids and went to work, also distributing the kids to various relatives. I have heard that she never remarried because she felt that the kids were a burden. I cannot judge them, they did what they had to do to survive. Both their situations produced children, my parents who when they 1st married, made a conscious decision not to have children. When they did want to have children, they made a conscious decision to be parents who would be the main adults in their lives and not go through what they had to go through.

I cried during the play at the parts when the mother leaves her daughter, when she talked about leaving her daughter, and tried to push her away repeatedly. I am sure it is the part of me that knows my own child is such a gift and blessing and that I could not bear to be away from her, in an emotional sense.

Cat Cat

2006-06-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

This picture just sums it all up. Happiness, sunshine, and a good pal to watch your back (front, in this case).

De Cluttering

2006-06-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

I whacked off my hair...I think it was because it is really hot right now, I am sick of wearing ponytails and buns, and since all my hair fell out postpartum I wanted to let it grow and now that it is think and lush, I feel secure in wearing it shortrer. Now I feel that surge of energy to clean my house. Maybe it is hormonal, maybe because I've had some work stress and cleaning is my way to keeping in control.

Things are just things, but there is always a fear of getting rid of something I don't need. I notice that some of the things I treasure I misplace or just leave laying about and things that I really don't need I keep in handy places and tucked in places where my treasured things should be. How screwed up is that? Well I guess that is the game I have to learn how to play (i.e. don't let photos be in places they could be coasters, chewed up by the cat or drooled on by the baby).

Well, I have the urge to reorganize my bookshelf before I go to bed.

CIAO

Fun Family Time

2006-06-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

(Side note...I finally got my haircut today. It was just a mess...I was becoming BUN woman it was so long. I chopped it...so freeing)

My little family went to the wonderful city of San Antonio, Texas last weekend. If you have never been to Texas, this is the city to go visit. It's really the only city in Texas that I consider a tourist destination. It also really shows the culture of our state, a blend of American, Mexican, German, etc. We stayed near the Mexican marketplace and the Riverwalk. The baby had such a fun time at the Mexican restaurant looking at all the lights, pinatas, and enjoying the mariachi guitar music. I have been here so many times, but I enjoy it every time I come. When she is older, I am sure we will be visiting Sea World and Fiesta Texas (Six Flags).

Dysfunctional workplace

2006-06-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have been trying valiantly to rehabilitate an aging medical clinic with a dysfunctional staff for the past 6 months. I am not alone in my task, a hardworking and smart manager has been there to work on the non medical issues. We have come a long way in the last 6 months. We have had a tremendous staff turnover and most of the new people and people who have stayed are wonderful employees. There are a few bad apples still left, and while they are soon to be gone, they have still on many occasions really messed things up for everyone else. My counterpart is burning out and I felt a little saddened and less confident today to think that I might have to continue on with less time from her or without her.

Maybe it was the way I was brought up or maybe I am just puzzled by the fact that many people take their jobs for granted and don't really care about doing a haphazard job. It's hard to understand why someone in the medical profession, especially, would not really care about they are doing. I mean, we are responsible for people's lives. Even though I am the "big cheese" in the clinic, I feel very priviledged to be working there. I am really proud that people choose to come seek our help when they are sick or well. As this blog mainly deals with women who have to navigate the medical clinics in search of fertility, you would understand how important it is to have medical staff (from receptionist to doctor) that cares about what they are doing.

Well, I can only pray that we can continue to improve our services to our patients and get rid ot the bad elements still present.

My alter ego(s)

2006-06-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

I got so excited when I saw Frances's avatar on her blog. I just had to get one. This one is my alter ego as an American Idol Contestant/ Famous Rock Star. It is someone I would like to be sometimes. Nevermind that I am too old for American Idol, can't sing that well (some of those contestants can't either!), and get carsick easily (bad for tour bus riding). But, hey screaming crowds in the palm of your hand and stylists to help you with your look and music, sweet music all around. I am totally in.

Breastfeeding Memories

2006-05-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a little free time to get those blogging juices going. The entry below is a response to an entry by Galloping Cat on Breastfeeding. I may have already blogged about this, but I thought it would help anyone out there who might be struggling with BF'ing

Yeah, just when I thought BF was going well, I would get a plugged duct or some kind of horrible engorement. I hated breastfeeding, especially being awake at 2:30 Am with engorged breast (I had one good breast and one crazy breast) and the baby deciding to pick that night to sleep thru with me pondering whether to pump (to relieve the PAIN) or just cry and suffer thru. I also remembering surfing on the internet to distract myself while massage a bad plugged duct one night.

I worked M-F 8-3 with 2 pumping sessions and did it for 5 months. I think I made it that long because the was the longest time period any of my girlfriends did it. That competitive B*Tch in me...

I agree with you on the natural thing...I wonder if I could have lasted longer if I was a SAHM and never pumped. I was really great at pumping though...I had a Medela PIS as well as an Avent Isis. I could pump anywhere...work, car, etc. The thing I didn't hate was that the baby seemed to really enjoy it and had this strong rooting reflex (for ALL females actually).

One book that really helped a lot was The Nursing Mother's Companion. I had the pamphlet form that came free with my hospital stuff and eventually I bought the book when I decided to go longer than 2 months. It could be a breastfeeding nazi book, but it actually is a very useful, accurate, and practical guide.

Tales from the Crib

2006-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Just finished a great book...the title is above and the author is Risa Green. It is a sequel to Notes from the Underbelly, a book I one day just bought randomly at the bookstore. The 1st one dealt with being pregnant and the sequel is the aftermath of having a baby. The main character lives in LA, has a working dh, and is on leave for most of the book from her job. It is really funny and sometimes I got exasperated with her, but she is my kind of gal. There are some really funny lines and terms in the novel, one being "mommunist," which she uses to describe all the mommy clones in her Mommy & Me class (they all drive range rovers, have $800 Bugaboo strollers, and all plan to be stay at home moms). I enjoy taking a peek into her particular mommy world, quite different from mine (I don't think there is a Mommy & Me class within a 500 mile radius of my town). But I do like the points the book makes as the main character realizes there is no one way to do it and that if you try to force yourself into a certain mold, it may make you unhappy and that it may not be the best thing to do you for child.

I know I have had struggles with that as I have been adapting into my Mom role. The end of the book has some discussion/ interview with the author and she brings up an interesting point about motherhood and how it has affected some members of this particular generation. That more of us have lives before we become moms (esp if we have kids in 30s and 40s) and that we need to realize that although we may love having a child, we need to acknowledge that we mourn for our past lives. In previous generations, she notes, many women went from being a member of one household/ family (daughter) and into another (wife. mother) without having the "single" or "married without kids" life.

My first Mother's day card

2006-05-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

I got my 1st mother's day card today. It was from my parents and it touched me that they sent me this funny, quite wonderful card. I remember sitting in church about 5 years ago in the front in the choir loft. It was Mother's day. They did the whole oldest, youngest, most kids, etc. and all the mothers in the church got flowers. I was single, divorced about a year, not really looking, but on that Sunday I really wanted to be presented with one of those scraggly carnations. I wasn't even married or trying, or even had any inkling I would be dealing with infertility at some future point. I felt that ache. I guess that's the biological clock. The church I go to now celebrates all women on that day, mothers and daughters and everyone gets a flower. And now I am someone's mother.

Hormones part 2

2006-05-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have been such a bag blogger...letting so much time lapse again. I'll blame it on my hormones. I just finshed one of the worst periods of my life. Blood everywhere, super tampon + super pad every 2-3 hours for 3 days, cramps, severe pain on my right side in the middle of the night (almost as bad as labor), Motrin, motrin, motrin (clock watching...is it time to take more Motrin?). I even worried about an ectopic pregnancy and checked my own blood at my clinic for anemia and my thyroid. Negative on the pregnancy thing, and stone cold normal blood work...even high end of normal on my hemoglobin (no anemia). So it was just crappy crappy menstrual pain. Makes me feel so wimpy.

Did I even ovulate? Possibly as my last blog entry, about ovulation time, found me hormonally horny. For years I had the luxury of the nice calm periods that come with using oral contraceptives. Now I am all natural woman. Arggghhh!!! How about a healthy pregnancy and baby without the use of IVF/ intervention and I can deal with this until menopause?

Hormones out of whack

2006-04-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Something is definately going on with the hormonal balance in my body. I have been spotting up until a week ago...I assume it was anovulatory bleeding as it wasn't really heavy enough to be a "period." Then this week, I have been moody, horny, hungry, bitchy, achy, etc. My dh is going with the flow and enjoying all the extra sex time, and I have that niggling feeling that this is just false hope that my body could actually ovualte on its own. And perhaps even some sperm could find an egg to fertilize. I had 3 days of egg white cervical mucous, accompanied by the feeling that I was in heat. Maybe I am really a dog.

I know that I am too anxious to be getting pregnant now, but that would be wonderful. That would be 2 kids, and probably that would be it for me. But I know how God always laughs when I make plans. I am not sure if I am even that great of a mother. I love working outside the home and taking care of a child is harder work. 2 children, hard at first when they are little, but better I guess as they get older (I know, different problems). I do want #1 to have a sibling so she and he/she can be on the "kids" side vs. us parents. I know dh and I have the potential to be great parents and perhaps that it is why I often question why we don't have kids easily. Maybe I am just impatient and at least I have one.

Baby things

2006-04-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

My MIL was helping me out with babysitting the other day and I was rushing home from work to make sure all was ok. I got there and everyone was asleep. I am not sure who wore who out first. Every 1-2 feet in the house was a small baby toy or object. I just had to laugh.

Happy Easter everyone!

No more doughnuts

2006-04-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

My pants have been getting tighter lately (also my undies too) and the numbers on the scale are higher that I like. I kept saying I really needed to watch what I was eating. My actions, however, hadn't caught up to my brain. Well, last week, I have double check my blood sugar machine and my own sugar was higher that my patient's who is a diabetic. Granted, they were both numbers in the normal range, but I was a bit taken aback. I also recently hospitalized a patient under 40 who is suffering the ravages of kidney disease from uncontrolled diabetes. Well, this past week, I have been scared into watching what I eat again, in particular a lower carb diet. As I was a gestational diabetic, PCOS, and have a diabetic dad who started with heart blockages at age 45, I am totally at risk for this disease. Exercising on a regular basis again would help too. Not just light walks but more getting sweaty workouts again. It also dawned on me that if I don't take care of myself I can't take care of my daughter or on down the road, she might have to take care of me. So, giving up doughnuts sounds pretty lame sometimes, but for me, obviously, it is not.

Have I ever?

2006-03-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever? Game:

Taken a picture naked? No, but a photographer (artistic one, not porno one) asked once...I was too shy.

Made out with a member of the same sex? No, I like boys too much

Danced in front of your mirror? Often, not enough lately

Told a lie? Yes, I used to lie all the time when I was a kid. Even into my 20s, but as I aged, I realized it did not really bring any benefits. Truth made me feel freer, nothing more to hide.

Gotten in a car with people you just met? I can't remember, but I don't think so.

Been in a fist fight? Nope

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yes, that was my love life in my early 20s and some of my 30s. Some of the intensest emotions I have ever experienced. Don't ever want to feel like that again.

Been arrested? No, I like being law abiding

Left your house without telling your parents? No, I could really come and go as I pleased, but I always let someone know.

Ditched school to do something more fun? No, what could be more fun than school?! (Actually as I am a late bloomer, I did take off early one day from medical school with a pal and we went swimming in Barton Creek in Austin.)

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes

Seen someone die? Yes, job hazard of mine. Not fun, emotionally difficult each and every time.

Kissed a picture? Hmmm...Shaun Cassidy?

Slept in until 3? No, Noon yes.

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes, super fun

Played dress up? Yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes, 1 pm lectures with lights out and slide projector on

Felt an earthquake? No

Touched a snake? Yes, horrible feeling

Ran a red light? Yes, at 6am driving to drill team practice in High school

Had detention? No

Been in a car accident? Yes, transported to ER in a ambulance in my drill team practice electric smurf blue leotard, tights and white skirt (Yes, I looked like the Asian Smurfette). My head shattered the back seat window and I was so achy all over. No broken bones, but lots of bruises and chunk of hair missing from my head.

Pole danced? No

Been lost? Yes, more that I want to remember

Sang karaoke? Yes, I wish I had a home machine

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Coca cola...really burns coming out my nose

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes, snow is rare in these parts, but oft enjoyed

Kissed in the rain? Yes, really, really cold

Sang in the shower? Occasionally

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No

Ever gone to school partially naked? No, but often in my dreams

Sat on a roof top? Yes...favorite...on my Grandmother's condo complex watching fireworks from Dodger stadium

Played chicken? No

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No

Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? Yes.

Broken a bone? No

Mooned/flashed someone? Yup

Forgotten someone’s name? Yes, often. I am good at avoiding saying their name (or I think I am).

Blacked out from drinking? No

Played a prank on someone? No, I can't tell jokes either

Felt like killing someone? Killing, no. Abducting, yes

Made a parent cry? Mom, of course

Cried over someone? Yeah, breakups

Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? No, sounds painful

Had/Have a dog? Jigger

Been in a band? No

Drank 25 sodas in a day? ICK

Shot a gun? No

Sitting up

2006-03-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

My dh and I had the past week on vacation and spent a lot of time with the baby. Today was back to the grind and I came home and lo and behold the wee one was sitting, mostly steady, unsupported. She also demonstrated a bit of military style creeping about 2 inches forward. I am still amazed how much can happen just in one day! I was remarking to dh that the developemental milestones were pretty neat, and what if adults had them too? That at 35 years of age you could do something you never did before? Actually, I guess while we are physically developed, perhaps our milestones are more in wisdom or lack of!

Moms Save the World

2006-03-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

That is the headline I hope to see one day soon. I was having a discussion with a fellow mom (also a successful ivf cycler, working professional) about how moms need more support in this country with regards to childcare. Most moms still could use more help in this area. We don't know what the answers are, but she sees a large untapped population of educated moms with lots of skills who are at home with the kids. Many stay home, she believes, because they cannot either find or afford quality childcare. I hope that more options will be coming as currently 60% of college students are women and 50% of professional school classes are also female. One thing would be more part time opportunities in all fields of work. I am all for less government, but it really may be time for some subsidized childcare options (or bigger tax breaks for childcare) for women who cannot afford nannies or better daycares.

We came to the agreement, that most women, whether stay at home or work outside the home, simply cannot do it all themselves and must have some help.

If our society was like that of other places, where the extended family lived together and there was always an extra pair of a relative's hands around, this would not be an issue (but I am certain there would be other issues!).

If our country had government funded/ run childcare, there would be less anxiety but we'd have a bunch more taxes/ bureaucracy.

If all women stopped working outside the home and let the males do it, we'd all have to cut back and be a lot poorer materially. There would be a bunch of females who would be really frustrated and taking lots of valium. And if the male died/ left, she'd might be SOL.

I honestly don't know the answers to this issue, and I know many magazines have been running articles (unfortunately only to simplify or berate people). One thing I hate, is when people try to tell me what I should and should not do. I will damn well decide with my own brain how to run my life. I believe our country is about choices and having lots of options. I think my friend and I concluded that we really did need to think about all this and make the world a better place, if not for us, but for our daughters.

Happy Anniversary

2006-03-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

Tonight we celebrated our wedding anniversary by going out to eat. Because of my own forgetfulness and how long we have been married, I didn't really have any plans or think about a babysitter. My dh thought we should take her with us anyway, so off we went. She did so good and enjoyed the experience very much. We set her eating chair up and she ate with us. We didn't spend too long there and came home in time for bedtime for her. So her gift to us on our anniversary was enjoying herself at our dinner. (I am posting this from home and I really, really hope this works!)

Off line

2006-03-08T06:34:00.000-08:00

For some reason I have not been able to post from my home computer. There is some sort of new filtering device that my internet company has set up that won't let me do much of anything lately. I am blogging at the moment at my work computer to let my readers know that I have not been ignorning this. Hopefully this can be fixed or else it is time to change internet service providers.

Melancholy

2006-02-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

Still here and kicking…tonight I am kind of tired and melancholy. I have been like that today. Maybe it is the cloudy and chilly weather (yesterday the high was 81, today it was 30). I got a brochure in the mail about a medical conference in San Diego and I was having fantasies about going there alone. Then I had thoughts about taking everyone along. Then I just chunked the brochure in the trash…if I am going to San Diego, it will be for fun and not a conference. When the baby is older and can enjoy a trip more, we will go. I am feeling some guilt for having these feelings though I know it is perfectly normal. I have a lot of help, although I wish I had more help sometimes, especially from dh. And I don’t really know why I am saying that, because he does help me when I ask. Maybe I should ask more. Anyway he has been working a lot and has plenty to do. I am going to soak my thought away in the tub now with a good magazine.

Insomnia

2006-02-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

I have been having insomnia on and off the last few weeks. It has been bad for the last few nights. I easily fall asleep and have been awaken by Baby Girl once at night, ranging from 3AM (last night) to 6AM for a quick feed and back to sleep. She falls back asleep contentedly but I am wide awake. I have seen a few informercials and music videos (you know, they never seem to be on during the waking hours) and have been tossing and turning. My mind starts up and it rattles off anything and everything a review of the day. I usually finally fall asleep about an hour before I have to get up and then I wake up groggy and occasionally have overslept.

I have been trying to figure out why this is happening. My work is going well, my dh is fine, my baby is doing well, my health has been good in spite of all the illnesses I have been exposed to, my friends are supportive, etc. I don't take a lot of caffiene, and have a nice wind down routine and dim lights in the evening. I have been slacking off on the regular exercise and I have experienced a lot of change in my life in the last few months.

Today, I was anally inwardly contemplating and then as I was finally finishing my work day and driving to the gym, I had a thought. What about the period showing up and the possibility of me getting pregnant and having another kid very soon? I love Baby Girl and want a sibling for her and was I ready to handle this sooner than later? If I take birth control, will that forever close the window of opportunity that this last pregnancy could be affording me? My OB advised that I don't use birth control and I don't want to because of how difficult it was to get pregnant the 1st time. So I did ovulate in the middle of January and didn't get pregnant then, so nothing is certain. My dh and I have agreed that if we only have BG it is very ok but would like another if possible.

Somehow I do feel better just acknowledging that this is what is knocking about in my head. I will accept what God will give me, and have faith that He will put me in whatever situation that I can handle. Now, maybe I can sleep again. Well, I am going to really try exercising regularly also...maybe that's all it is.

What the F*#$?

2006-01-30T20:05:00.000-08:00

In my last post I was mentioning that PCOS seemed to be coming back and I was resigning myself to enduring the joys of the disease... fattening body, no periods, random hairs, skin tags, INFERTILITY. Well, today was a typical Monday at work and I didn't get to visit the little girl's room until lunchtime. My body did feel a little weird today (I can't explain why, but weird) and I pull down my pants and there it was, BLOOD. I felt like a 12 year old girl getting her period for the first time. I have not had a "natural" cycle in over 18 years. I have either been on the pill, fertility drugs or not ovulating (no period) for all of my adult, over 18, can see R-rated movies life. Thinking back I was kind of achy in my nether regions the last week and had been kind of B^#tchy also.

Of course, tonight I googled "PCOS, period after pregnancy, ovulation postpartum, etc." and found this hopeful statement.

*********After pregnancy, many women with PCOS develop normal menstrual cycles and find it easier to become pregnant again.*************

Is it too much to hope? Or am I just being teased?

I am not a desperate housewife

2006-01-28T18:23:00.000-08:00

Part of this post is also a comment on RE's Muse about how mothering has affect life as we know it and the way some moms seem to have it all together...i.e. thin, well dressed, energetic, etc.

I still get stressed out about how my life is now compared to before I became a mother and have dealt with it by cutting back my work, looking at the mirror and going "good enough" (but wonder when my hair is finally going to stop falling out... good news, some hair seems to be growing back in), my clothes fit differently, my boobs are a strange consistency (I finally weaned last month), and wonder how on earth other moms, especially the ones I see with more than 1 baby do it. Exercise is a distant memory and I made a new years resolution to make it to the gym or walk ONCE a week...so far have not kept it...so on and so forth.

I am not a size 4 desperate housewife, and my body seems to be going back to its PCOS state with a vengence.

At least my kid is well-dressed and cute!

#1 Killer of Women over 25

2006-01-21T18:57:00.000-08:00

After the other post on Ovarian cancer, I wanted to post something that really IS A PROBLEM for women...

Go Red For Women … on National Wear Red Day
On National Wear Red Day, Go Red in your own fashion to show your support for women and the fight against heart disease.

Let your heart shine … and help save women’s lives.

Go Red For Women is a nationwide movement to empower women to love—and save—their hearts through lifestyle choices and actions. By joining together with hundreds of other companies and organizations across America on National Wear Red Day, you’ll help the American Heart Association support the ongoing research and education about women and heart disease.

National Wear Red Day for Women, February 3, 2006, has its own dress code. On this day, you’re free to Go Red in your own fashion. Wear your favorite red clothes or accessory—a red blouse, a red dress pin, red lipstick—carry a fabulous red handbag or sport a red tie and red socks … and show some heart for heart disease prevention.

Too few people realize that heart disease is the No. 1 killer of women—and of men—but the good news is that heart disease can largely be prevented. Spreading the Go Red For Women message—Love your heart—raises awareness of heart disease and empowers women to reduce their risk. And as you encourage everyone in your organization to wear red on Wear Red Day, you’ll be sharing with them the tools and information they need to protect themselves and their loved ones.

National Wear Red Day is a simple, powerful way to raise awareness of heart disease and improve women’s heart health. It’s easy to participate. Everyone (men too!) can support the fight against heart disease and stroke by wearing red on Wear Red Day. Companies can offer an additional incentive for employees to participate by allowing them to wear red and jeans to work on Wear Red Day in exchange for a $5 donation to the American Heart Association. Participants also may wear a red dress sticker (the symbol for women’s heart health—available on this Web site) to show the world that they “take heart” in women’s health.

Put your hand on your own heart … and make your own promise to be heart healthy. Make red the color of a pulsing, vibrant life. That’s the message for Wear Red Day. If everyone can make a promise to be heart healthy, we can wipe out heart disease.

For information on how your company can participate in Wear Red Day:
• Contact your local American Heart Association.
• Call 1-888-MY HEART.

Ovarian Cancer Email

2006-01-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

There has been an email that has been circulating concerning Ovarian cancer and how every woman should march into their doctor's office and demand a CA-125 test yearly. It is the story of a "Kathy West." I don't know if it is true, but it seems to be scaring a lot of women that I know as I have received this email several times in the last 2 weeks. As a physician, I have had to reassure and educate (not unusual in my job) my friends and family. Ovarian cancer strikes less than 2% of women. It is one of the MOST DIFFICULT cancers to diagnose. There is NO reliable SCREENING test available at this time YET. The CA-125 may be elevated in other diseases, not only this one. This lady's particular case is rare as she had no ovaries (removed with a hysterectomy) so it was EXTRA difficult to diagnose. The point is, that IT WAS DIAGNOSED by her doctors and she is currently getting treatment. How this relates to infertile people, is that is IS KNOWN that people who have taken infertility drugs MAY have an increased risk for this type of cancer.

The following is more information on CA-125

CA-125 is a substance shed by cancer cells, also made by inflamed normal cells that line body parts. This substance is shed in body fluids and finds its way into the bloodstream. CA-125II is a new assay that has less variation from day to day. Since the original CA-125 test kits are no longer sold to laboratories, it is believed that few if any old plain CA-125 tests are being given in the United States since Nov. 1996. CA-125 is a test done on a blood sample drawn in a laboratory. A blood sample is drawn, just as for a variety of other laboratory tests. The assay (analysis) assesses the amount of an antibody that recognizes an antigen in tumor cells.

The CA-125-II blood test is best used for observing the trend of an ovarian-cancer patient's results over time, according to one of the test's co-developers.

"The key is that the absolute value of CA-125-II is not very helpful," says Robert C. Bast Jr., M.D. "It's probably not helpful to compare one patient's results with another's."

The results can be:
True Positive. Approximately 80 percent of women who have ovarian cancer will have an elevated CA-125 in the serum portion of their blood at the time of diagnosis.
False positive. The rate of "false positives" with CA-125 makes it inadequate for use by itself for screening of high-risk or healthy women. Premenopausal women are more likely than postmenopausal women to receive a "false positive" CA-125. It should be supplemented with transvaginal sonography and a rectovaginal pelvic exam all done at the same time.
False negative. Again, the rate of "false negatives" also makes it important to use the test as part of a regimen that includes transvaginal sonography and rectovaginal pelvic exam.
True negative. Women should repeat the test to observe a trend. You will need to ask your doctor to arrange this.
When a CA-125II returns elevated, it can mean any of several benign conditions, or a "false positive" (especially in premenopausal women), or ovarian cancer or another type of cancer.

A physician specifically experienced in the interpretation of CA-125 results can best assess this for the individual patient. Every woman should:

Have the test repeated several times if there is any doubt about her symptoms or diagnosis or risk factor (family history of ovarian cancer and other factors elevate risk significantly).
Please Note: Approximately 20 percent of women who have ovarian cancer do not ever have elevated CA-125. That is why it is critical to use CA-125 only as part of a diagnostic regiment that includes transvaginal sonography and a rectovaginal pelvic exam.

Now that I have hopefully explained and educated, I will point out a topic that is even more deadly to women, actually the #1 KILLER OF WOMEN over 25 in the country, HEART DISEASE. I will add a post with more info later.

Pictures of children

2006-01-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

I really understand the baby picture thing now. In the past friends, family would email/ send me their kids pictures and I would go, oh, how cute! Now I look at them and feel the love of a parent for their children. I know the sleepless nights and crying spells, and how long of a struggle it was to get them cleaned and dressed for the picture or how wonderful it was to capture that particular moment on film/ digital pixels. Myself, I have really gone to town with the digital camera. I have take over 500 shots of my kid since her birth. Now, granted many of the shots were not "usable" in terms of the professional photographers, but so many were amazing.

6 months old today!

2005-12-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

We are celebrating the wee one's 1/2 year old birthday today! I used to wonder what it would be like to be at this point. There are so many amazing changes since 6 months ago. She woke up this morning at the (butt) crack of dawn (5:45) going "Bbbbbbppfh, Wah!, Bbbbbppfh, Wah!, Bbbbbppfh..." If anyone can translate that for me it would be appreciated. I am so happy she is at this milestone.

On another subject, since I have been able to spend some more daytimes with her lately, I have been noticing her nap schedule. I put her down and she can nap in the morning for 1/2 - 45 minutes and in afternoon for up to an hour and a half or two. She cries some before (less than 5-10 minutes) and then goes to sleep. With her nanny, she sleeps less, about 1/2 hour at a time at best. The baby, I think, knows the nanny is less strict/mean than mommy and will not let her cry more than 30 seconds and will pick her up. I told her to try and that it was ok to let her cry, but I think it will take some more time. I may be reading too much Dr. Weissbluth (Healthy Sleep...), or projecting my own sleep desires onto her, but I think it helps her sleep better at night.

Happy New Year to all!!

Christmas Mom

2005-12-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

Well, baby had her 1st Christmas and got lots of wonderful things. I got the gift last night of sleep as her sleep schedule finally evened out again. I am definately a mom now. I fantasize about more than 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and afternoons willing away at a shopping mall out of town. (I used to do that a lot and I am sure the time will come again...with a teen daughter someday!).

Fever!

2005-12-22T19:38:00.000-08:00

The wee one had been fussing a lot and teething yesterday morning. I went to work for 3 hours and came home to find the nanny rocking her and saying the baby felt hot and the baby whining "oh, oh." She had not eaten well that afternoon and been fussy. I took her temperature, 101! I panicked (I knew I would the 1st time she was sick) for a bit and gave her tylenol and called the pedi. The answering machine replied that they were closed and to go to the the emergency room.

The baby went to sleep in my arms and I pulled myself together. I thought back to my pediatric rotations and all the advice I used to give worried moms on the phone. I remembered, as long as the fever responded, the physical exam normal, and the baby was eating and drinking there was no reason to rush to the ER (in order to wait 6 hours to be seen by a doc who may or may not like/ be experienced in babies.) I rocked here and she woke a bit later and her temperature was down. She took 4 ounces of formula and didn't whine as much. I started to feel calmer.

My doctor brain clicked on for a bit and I decided that she either had a virus or this was from teething. I know the experts say teething can't do this, but many moms I know can attest that this is possible. She was fussy the rest of the night and woke twice, but the temperature stayed normal. This morning she almost seemed like her old self and by lunch she was good as new. Later I noticed a rash on her chest and back and I attibuted that to the viral infection. She is still teething though, so maybe just a double whammy for my poor baby.

I spent some time beating myself up for having a cold this past week, seeing lots of patients in my new clinic with colds, flus, and coughs, and taking her out to eat with my family this weekend, AND then I stopped myself. Babies get sick. It is possible that it had nothing to do with me. Babies get better the vast majority of the time quite rapidly.

5 things about me

2005-12-16T19:19:00.000-08:00

(Thanks for tagging me Day, I am in the "IN" crowd now...ha,ha,ha)

1. When I was 12 years old, there was a man at my church who wrote Christian children's music. He got a recording contract and hired me and some kids from church to sing on his album. I was paid $5 a hour (this was great...esp in 1982 dollars) to sing and hang out at a recording studio. Our album featured our picture on the back, albeit with GIGANTIC headphones on singing in the studio. It was called "All God's People Love to Sing." I can still sing all the songs.

2. Every year for the past 4 years, I have attended a debutante ball (no kidding!). Every one is in formal dress and the debs are presented in big white dresses and do a formal court bow. After the ceremony we all eat hot dogs (no kidding!) in our formal wear.

3. I have always been obessed with ice cream and sherbet. When I was 8 years old, my favorite past time was thinking about what flavor I would pick on the next trip to the ice cream store. It drove my parents nuts because it was all my sister and I would talk about. For a school contest I even wrote a logic problem involving ice cream / sherbet flavors. I won 1st prize....my parents weren't so annoyed by my dessert obsession after that.

4. I was virgin until I was 24 years old (that movie 40 year old virgin made me feel so much better). I also married the 1st guy I was with partly due to my strict upbringing of "DON'T HAVE SEX UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED" (in retrospect not a good idea at all, as that marriage didn't work out and ended unpleasantly). I am still a Christian but currently have more relaxed views about sex and marriage.

5. I think of myself actually as quite ordinary and my college roommates used to comment that I was one of the most normal people in our crowd of nerds, misfits, minorities, and oddballs usually found in institutions of higher education. It is interesting to note that my own mother often reminds me (and my sister) that we are "not like other people" because how ambitious I am about my life, and when I went to medical school, one of my classmate buddies also said the same thing. I am lucky that I love life and want to make the most of it.

Poo, Eat, Pee, Fuss, Poo, Bath, Eat, Pee, Fuss, Nap, Fuss, Eat

2005-12-10T13:41:00.000-08:00

I finally get to write one of these "I'm a Mommy" posts after 34 years of life (about to be 35 next Sunday).

The title of this post refers to what today has been like. And that's just in the last 2 hours! How much poo can a baby produce?

Oh, I forgot we are on the 3rd change of clothes since 9AM.

I am still in my pj's and am already tired and ready for bed. It is only 3:45 PM right now.

Thanks on Thanksgiving

2005-11-26T19:10:00.000-08:00

This year as I was sitting down to the great feast at the dining table on Thursday, I had a flashback to last year.

We were at my in-laws house. I had finished eating one of my most favorite meals of the year when I had a feeling something wasn't right. I had had my IVF the week previous and only my DH knew at that time. I got up to go to the bathroom and there in my underpants, blood. Brownish blood, but blood nonetheless. Somehow we made an excuse to go home for a bit so I could call my doctor. I hyperventilated in the car the whole way home (actually only 5 minutes). I apologized profusely for disturbing her Thanksgiving and she listened and reassured me that it was probably the progesterone suppositories irritating the vaginal tissues. My DH suggested bathing (I had given up baths and just showered) to help clean the area and also sooth my nerves. There was no more bleeding that day, I stopped the suppositories, and I started baths again.

This year as I was smacking my lips on stuffing and putting some sweet potatoes on the lips of the happy baby on my lap, I thought about last year and said a prayer of thanks.

Silly Mama

2005-11-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

I peed on a stick today....Negative.

Why do you ask?
NO period since delivery
Breastfeeding
Hair falling out
Face breaking out
PCOS
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis
post-IVF for #1
Can barely handle one baby and part time job with full time help and maid once a week

WHY?
Good question....some crazy hope that I will be just like my 3 best/good friends who had their kids 1 year apart...to prove that YES, I am still an infertile person...to acknowledge there is some HOPE in my heart that perhaps my body will come around...

The exploding breast

2005-11-18T16:27:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am, still breastfeeding the little one (4.5m old). I have once again tried to make an attempt to SLOWLY wean, introduce solids, and deal with her sleeping longer thru the night. So yesterday, according to the books, I didn't pump ONE time at work and last night I work at 3AM with an engorged, rock hard, hot left breast. That has always been the side with the abundant milk supply and actually not her favorite. I tried everything, cabbage leaves, hand expressing a little out to relieve some pain, ice pack, massage (around it...I could barely touch it), deep breathing, trying to sleep again (a little bit then I rolled over and AGHHHH pain!) and I WASN'T GOING TO WAKE A SLEEPING BABY. Then finally 2 hours later I heard her sucking her fingers. I rushed to her bed and picked her up to nurse. 30 seconds later, sweet relief. Maybe I should have woken her up...but that would continue the problem with stimulating them.

OK I give up. I will breastfeed her until she's 21. I still have some options...don't skip pumping but pump a little less (probably doable, but when I don't pump enough I get plugged ducts), antihistamines (I'll be drugged up), and birth control pills (it was so hard to get pregnant I don't ever want to do anything again to prevent it).

I am not sure if I am ready really, but I am ready for my boobs to feel normal again and be able to wear a real bra without plugged ducts, irritation, etc. My boobs have always been weird. I have rarely found a bra that fits/ feel comfortable, even before pregnancy. I have been measured, tried different fabrics, sizes, cups, etc. With breastfeeding it has become even more difficult. If the bra is just a bit snug, I get plugged ducts. All I can stand right now are nontight fitting tank bras or tank tops. The nursing bras have too many seams that rub up a plugged duct. I am a normal sized woman with B-C sized breasts in the lower range of the recommended weight....some even say I am thin...how can this be that I have an odd chest/breast area. So even though they are weird, they really make milk...I am ready to join La Leche for life. Maybe a career as a WET NURSE? All you gals who formula feed are probably laughing/ sighing with relief. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy nursing her but the other parts are not so fun.

Orange Julius

2005-11-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

After sampling a variety of solid foods, the little one has developed a bit of constipation. We had run out of "baby" juice so I cracked open a can of Dole pineapple juice for her to try this AM. I recalled in the back of my mind that I had read in one of my "you are being a bad mother" books that certain juices (orange) shouldn't be started too soon. But I couldn't remember why. A quick Google was no help so I gave it to her anyway. She has been fine all day. I finally made it to the store and got her favorite Gerber "mixed fruit" juice. I perused the ingredients...orange, apple, & pineapple...no wonder she likes it! I wish Orange Julius was still around here, she would love those.

Funny Break

2005-11-08T19:30:00.000-08:00

Another non-sequitur post...

Here's a link to a really funny video that is from Southern China, where my family is originally from.

2 Chinese Students

Enjoy!

Sleep deprivation

2005-11-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

My sleep deprivation makes me kind of funny. Instead of realizing that tiredness = need to cut back and slow down, my mind says stuff like "hey, I'll take on yet another project, committment, etc." Actually my voice says it and then later my mind catches up and realizes that I should have said the opposite. I think for a while I have been deluding myself into thinking that the worst it was over and it was back to "normal." It is probably true that the worst is over only in the sense that yes, occasionally I still have to be up twice at night, but I know what to expect and it's not a big surprise. So at this moment, I am really tired, it's only 8:15 PM and the baby has just been put down to sleep and she is crying. I am praying for at least a few hours in a row of sleep tonight for myself.

Diaper Cake

2005-10-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

This beautiful decoration was the centerpiece at my baby shower. It is made of size 1 Pampers Baby Dry and decorated by the best florist in town. I am about 1/2 thru using the diapers and it has been so nice not to have to buy diapers for the past 3 months. The babe is getting bigger and bigger and moving perilously closer to size 2...so I will have to head to the store soon.

It is funny that when I was pregnant and planning, I was going to use cloth diapers and formula feed. I am currently doing the opposite. Such is life.

Follow thru

2005-10-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

This is a non-baby, non-infertility related post. Just some venting on how hard it is to be a person who always crosses their Ts and dots their Is. Maybe I am just a compulsive person, but when I take on something I always do my best to follow through on what I need to do. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this and be like others who don't really give a rat's ass whether they keep their promises/ finish their projects/ show up when and where they need to be. I am a member of a service organization that has a bunch of people like me, but there are some who are so not. Even with the baby (ok, so I had to slip that in) I have managed to keep my promises even with learning to do/ commit to less. My parents trained me very well and I also had some very disciplined teachers in school that have molded me in this way.

Crying Game

2005-10-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

So every night, I put a fresh diaper on the baby, nurse the baby and rock her and then put her to bed. It usually happens in some form or fashion and at various times. Lately I have been trying to be consistent in the routine and times as I read babies need consistency (I know myself that I am like that too). We used to pick her up when she cried but now that she is almost 4 months we have been letting her cry it out longer and trying not to pick her up. We used to blame it on that she didn't like the crib, but that is where she is safe and that is where she sleeps at night. It doesn't really take that long usually (the crying to turn into sleep) but it sure does seem long when those cries are so loud and insistent. There is so much out there about this subject, so many ways to mess up your kid (!) but I think that for the 99% of the time that she is happy, this 1% isn't so bad.

Sleep a gift

2005-10-24T19:11:00.000-07:00

Last night we had a heck of a time getting the babe to sleep. Lots of crying, rocking, nursing, promises of happy things, and finally at a late hour, she dozed off. I got up to use the bathroom in the wee hours and hear her start to wake but then she quieted. I laid down to listen for the inevitible 3AM feed. I blinked my eyes and then I woke with a start. The clock said 7 AM. WOW! She slept all the way thru the night, the first time ever. A small gift of sleep...I don't expect it again although I would be thrilled if this was a new pattern.

Time on my hands

2005-10-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

3 1/2 months since I gave birth and my memories of the early, crazy, baby days are there but starting to get fuzzy and foggy. It is amazing, I feel, that I have made it this far. She is sleeping in the night, waking once to eat. Daytime naps are erratic, but she has more calm, peaceful periods. I actually have begun to be aware of what I am doing, housework, computer time, eating, bathing, etc. instead of just rushing, rushing, rushing so that I am ready to care for the baby's needs. The needs are still there, but I am getting used to it.

With the nanny's schedule and my work schedule, I have built in some time before and after to compensate for any work/ home issues/ problems/ emergencies. Some days I have this time and have to make a choice, home to the baby/ start dinner or take a few moments to shop/ run errands/ etc. Sometimes I find I don't want to do either. Both can be tiring. These times, I just want to take a nap/ lounge/ veg. With a nanny in the house I find it is hard for me to really relax (I have a comfortable, but open planned house). I usually send her home early and try to nap/ lounge/ veg with the baby. When my dh is home, it is not as much a problem (except when he brings the baby to "see what mommy is doing."

Victories

2005-10-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

The apnea monitor has been discontinued (hooray!!!!) I was wavering about changing pediatricians and got all worked up about it. But behold, common sense has prevailed and the pediatrician decided to stop the monitoring as she was moving so much and doing well.

The babe is becoming cuter and cuter each day. She has discovered her hands and that they are good for sucking on. Life is sweet.

The #)$(*@! Apnea Monitor

2005-10-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

I am just venting right now so I don't waste anymore precious brain cells thinking and fretting about this. We are at 3 months 1 week and baby is still having to wear the apnea monitor at night. The other night I found her turned 180 degrees and the cord tangled up around her feet. It was about 4 in the morning and I was pretty annoyed and scared that she could have strangled herself in the cords. It didn't happen again but I called the ped's office today to report the problem. The nurse said I needed to place the cord better and the monitor would stay on, at least until 6 months old. That's when I got annoyed. The doctor had said it would be 4 months and I AM PLACING THE CORD CORRECTLY. The home health people were sympathetic and said they would download today to produce the 2 standard "clean" reports that the leading medical school recommends to have the monitor discontinued. Part of me likes the monitor (we only have it on at night) so I know she is breathing, but I think it is riskier to have the cord in there as a hazard now that she is old enough to move around in the crib. What good is the monitor if my child harms herself with the potentially strangulating cord? I am even willing to sign things that promise that I won't sue anyone. Hopefully there will be some resolution to this soon.

I talked myself "down from the ledge" by thinking about how lucky I was to have this child and that I could be crying about not having one at all. Still, I pray that the monitor can come off soon. Why hasn't anyone invented a wireless form of these machines? My Apple computer has all kinds of wireless technology!

Outgrown Baby Clothes

2005-10-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

I actually have a box of outgrown baby clothes now. It is amazing to me to even be at this point. I could not even wrap my brain around the concept of such a thing before. The repeated failures of not getting pregnant blocked out most any thoughts this nature. In a weird way, I think infertility had me so focused on pregnancy that actually being a mother now, holding a ever enlarging, wiggly, pooping, smiling, cooing child has me in shock and awe.

Smacky Lips and Post Partum Weight Issues

2005-09-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after I fed her, I put her on my shoulder to burp her. Instead of the usual beer bar belch, I got some smacky lips on my shoulder. My imagination spun; is she kissing me and saying "Thanks Mommy, thanks Mommy for feeding and taking care of me!"? I pulled her away and a large gob of spit up milk came with and appeared on my shoulder. Well, hey its the thought that counts.

In the world of public reactions to pregnancy and childbirth, there seem to be a lot of comments on my appearance. I am PCOS, but I am a normal weight for my height. I gained about 12 pounds during pregnancy and ate heartily and according to the diet and prescribed calorie level for a gestational diabetic. I was worried I was not gaining enough, that my body was failing me again (apparently a common, recurrent thought of infertiles...even when pregnancy). But the doctor wasn't worried. The baby was a good size and I felt pretty good until I was the last parts of the pregnancy. I didn't not exercise after the 3rd month due to spotting issues causing me to be scared out of my mind.

After I delivered, I was under my prepregnancy weight and actually have gained weight since then. I honestly would have liked to have a few extra pounds and not have to have gone thru the not fun part of pre term delivery, NICU visits, and bringing home a preemie. But I don't really go into that when people comment on how "thin" I look. I don't consider myself "thin," just normal, average weight. I believe that people mean this as a compliment, but I secretly wonder if they think I am a vain, looks obsessed woman. Perhaps part of me is, but those comments don't really make me feel good as one would think. I used to say "thanks" and now I just say, "uh-huh" and change the subject.

Better than ever

2005-09-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

What a different one week makes. We have all be sleeping better and longer and the world is so much better when viewed thru rested eyes and brain. I have made it thru the 2nd week of work and have managed to keep on keeping on. I don't know how it is for other work outside moms but the baby wakes up when I get home and is interactive with me until I go to bed (and sometimes beyond that!). She nurses and dozes on my chest/ lap and in general is a big cuddlebug.

After keeping her a home mostly thus far, I feel finally ready to venture out to a few places with her...particularly church and the park. I am less anxious about her and am trying to go with her rhythm and flow.

As an older mom (i.e., I am in my mid 30s vs. 20s) I believe I am more anxious and more challenged physcially than I would have been, lets say, 10 years ago. I remember that I could stay up all night (well at least until 3 or so) and be mostly fine the next morning unless I had had more than enough to drink. I suppose nature designed it that way, but me, I wasn't ready until now mentally. I could not even imagine kids/ babies 10 years ago...I was still a kid. It makes me think about a lot of society now...I read an article the other day about how childhood is longer than before as many people are in school longer/ living with their parents longer. That age 25 is now the new 18. It just made me think about the reprocussions on female fertility...

Losing it, almost

2005-09-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

I started back to work full time (a close approximation of it as labor day was a holiday) and things were going pretty well until Thursday. I had to go to the hospital to check on one of my patients who was in bad shape in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall asleep when I got back. The baby's routine was not disrupted...I didn't even miss her feedings, but for some reason my mind was jumpy and racing. The next day, I had to work 3 hours in the morning, but I was feeling the effects of the lack of sleep by lunchtime.

By the afternoon (even after a brief nap) I was emotional and teary, especially when I had to go back up to the hospital about 20 minutes after the nanny left. I couldn't get a hold of my dh as he was out of his office on an errand, but did get grandma who was quickly on her way over. I got my work done and was home in less than 2 hours. The baby continued to be just fine and dandy. I just felt so terrible, physically, emotionally, almost over the edge. Looking back it wasn't that big a deal, but deprived of a foundation of sleep, I couldn't deal with it at all. This situation is rare actually but it just happened to occur in my 1st week back. After a better nights sleep (even with every 3-4 hour nursing) I was back to normal (semi!) this morning. I am just glad I survived and glad I had people to call on to help me.

I don't regret going back to work, but I should have been more prepared in my attitude that things don't always go as planned....and also find a short acting sleeping pill to use as needed! And to be realistic as I know tend to have anxiety problems when I don't get enough sleep.

Diapers & formula

2005-09-07T18:12:00.000-07:00

I was watching Oprah the today and Julia Roberts was visiting one of the Katrina shelters. She visited with a mom and 4 month old and she described how she carried the baby & his 4 year old brother out of their flooded neighborhood. They showed pictures of the kids at the shelter...babies, toddlers, kids, tweens, teens. The donated goods were shown, boxes of diapers, cases of formula, toys, and a shot of a gated area where toddlers were playing together. I felt so grateful that I was at home, safe with my baby in my arms. I had started to send some diapers to the local collection drive (I have about 300 size 1 from a "diaper cake" at my shower), but decided to send money to the American Red Cross & other relief efforts.

One little one

2005-08-30T12:43:00.000-07:00

My experience with infertility treatment has been a successful one. I got one healthy baby after trying a whole bunch of what the latest medicine has to offer. So into my mind, lurking at the edges of my happy baby thought (and foggy mom brain) is that, "Hey this may be it." As in, this may be the only child I have. Of course it is better than, "Hey I am never going to have one." One of the standard questions people ask after you have a baby (and I have been guilty of asking it myself...actually one time it lead to a revealation about how the couple had their baby thru IVF and how they would never do it again) is "Are you going to have more kids?" My answer, "I hope for one more." That is the truth. I don't know if I could go through IVF again. But perhaps it is a mite too early to be thinking about it. Age wise I still have a few years before no man's (woman's) land.

Motherhood is not for wimps

2005-08-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

I hope most of you all are not getting bored with my ramblings on mother work/ other work lately. I have really gotten off the infertility path huh!

Today's topic is a reflection on my medical training. We all hear about how grueling medical residency is and we medical people tell stories about how bad it was also. So bad, that recently the powers that be started executing a limit of 80 hour work weeks for resident physicians in training. Yes, it was hard (I worked at worse 110 hours a week some months) and yes, I got beeped (and still get paged) in the middle of the night to possibly save someone's life or at least keep them alive. But, compared to what I am going thru now with my baby's ever changing needs at all hours of day and night, that was really easy. At least when I was through with my 36 hour shift, I could go home and sleep uninterrupted and not be on duty again until 3-4 nights later.

Even with help from my dh and nanny in the day, it is me in those wee hours of the night now. And the sleep deprivation makes me often grumpy, fussy, and not think clearly at all, much worse than when I was the resident on call (I guess you all are happy to hear that and happy to know my partners are currently covering for me now).

Now the rationale behind the medical training being like it WAS, was that illnesses were not just 8-5 and my own rationale was that we had to do that so that we could literally "do it in our sleep." Medical call for me, now after 8 years in practice is not hard like it was in residency. I don't panic anymore about giving someone Tylenol like the 1st night I ever took hospital call...I know it sounds wacky. So motherhood is going to be something I can do in my sleep too!

Working Mom

2005-08-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

I returned to a bit of work last week and this week. It was nice to be in the familiar enviroment again. Where I know what is happening and when it is happening! My friend and acquaintences have been asking me, "So, are you a working mom now?" Yup, that's me. It is not the world of playgroups and 24/7 baby duty, but a world of half this and half that and sometimes all this and all that.

I visited with my grandmother (age 93), a family friend (age 87), and my own mom (age 67) about their mothering experiences.

My own mom was a teacher and married "late" at age 30. She had me at 33 and stayed at home mom to me and my sister. She didn't work because she says that she didn't trust anyone to take care of us and that we did not have any family nearby as my parent immigrated to America right before they had me. She remembers that she often felt alone and overworked but she is proud that her kids turned out well.

My grandmother was widowed in her 30s with 3 kids in pre-communist China. She went to work as a bookkeeper in a hotel and the kids were cared for by various family members and did not always live with her (Chinese cultural thing...kids are often distributed to relatives...often creating stressful childhoods). She never remarried. Her mind blips in and out occasionally, but she was very lucid in inquiring about my pregnancy and motherhood experience and giving very practical advice.

My friend had one child and was planning to stay at home, but she was a school teacher and the Principal made a job offer she couldn't refuse. She says that thinking back she couldn't have stayed at home to mom all the time. She remembers a lot of the stay at home moms weren't really at home much as they needed other things to occupy their minds (She mentioned the ever time consuming Junior League).

I for some reason, feel reassured by these women of the older generation as my mom couldn't give me much advice on working outside the home. They faced the same challenges and MORE than I have to deal with. They sometimes had the choices I had and sometimes didn't. I had this fantasy/ misconception (and I know that it wasn't really true) that the previous generations were all stay at home moms/ housewives and that I was selfish for not wanting to do the same. But, as my sister pointed out, my desire to be doctor came stronger than the housewife job.

Nanny Diaries

2005-08-20T12:05:00.000-07:00

The nanny started this past week and I am getting a break from the continuous work that is taking care of a baby. It has been great to have this help...I was getting so foggy headed that at times I wasn't enjoying the baby. I feel ready to return to work knowing that she is in good hands. I have also gotten to get out of the house some which, before felt very difficult and rushed. I am a person that always seems to do things the hard way. The breast feeding thing is harder on the mom, I have been told and also believe. I've stopped fighting it and am just going to accept that this is how I am going to feed my baby. Even my own mom has come around and been supportive about it.

So I have gotten to get my hair cut, grocery shop, visit the bank, and have lunch, just me and my dh. Sometimes it is hard to leave the "baby bubble" but at the same time, it is like getting a glimpse of my former life. Now this new life, a bit of old and a lot of new.

WAHM SAHM WOM...what?!@!?

2005-08-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

Even though I am sure of my decision, of course I wonder what it would be like to be a Stay/ Work At Home Mom. I actually know very few. One of my S/WAHM friends just told me yesterday that she has been having nightmares about her dh dying and being left destitute. (She was my secretary in her pre child life). Her DH is encouraging her to go to get more training and go to back to work. She can’t decide what she wants to do. I jokingly told her to just make sure that he had a big life insurance policy.

Joking aside, I told her my own mom, a S/WAHM and formerly a teacher, got her masters in library science when my baby sister turned 3. My mom said it was insurance in case something happened to Dad and she seriously did want to go to work, but ultimately made the decision not to because it would cost more to hire babysitter/ taxes. So not to stir up the debate between Work at home moms and work outside moms…I guess all of us occasionally gaze over to the other side and wonder how it is.

I am going back part time in 4 weeks and then probably fulltime when 4 weeks after that. I will be fortunate to have a nanny full time. I like working and for the effort I put forth I am greatly rewarded, both in money and satisfaction. I also feel that because so many people (and government loans) supported me through school, I owe it to society to repay my debt. I did not start my career until I was 29 years old because of all the training it takes to be a physician. My dh is in a stable profession currently, but we need a bit more income (from me) to do what we want. Personally I don’t think in my current circumstances I could stay home for long. Now I am faced with the challenge of adding the baby into my life. Let’s see how it all goes.

Books continued

2005-08-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

More book reviews...yes, I am a speedy reader (daughter of 2 librarians)

I am happy to report that I found 2 wonderful books on new motherhood.

1. The Diaper Diaries by Cynthia Copeland. Made me laugh so hard I cried...several times. My poor baby had tears on her as I was reading it while nursing. The cartoon illustrations are priceless...especially the breastfeeding section....New Hampshire...rural area, married with 3 kids.

2. Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. Almost done with this one. It is very moving and well written. I feel like I am right there with her...intimate and touching. Single mother living in a small town....with lots of loving friends/ family...Bay Area

I think my conflict (see last entry) with some of motherhood books is the conflict I personally have about motherhood due to infertility issues. The 2 books up above honestly deal with the feeling of "Am I a good mother?" NOT "The baby is ruining my perfect urban lifestyle."

Lamott's book very effective spoke to what is the root of the matter in my case, and I believe in many people's cases, "What I don't have." Infertiles have dealt with this issue for a longer time..."What I don't have...a baby, a child, a pregnancy." I think that that factors into the case after learning about the Brooke Shields post partum depression thing. Her "What I don't have" was the infertility factors, natural/ vaginal birth, nursing upon delivery, "bonding." We all have our own list of "What I don't haves."

One last thought that may stir up the hornet's nest...don't use the What to Expect series as your bible. Especially the pregnancy one...I read it too much. I would just chuck it if I could do it again (or just limit it to one reading).

New Moms in Books, TV, and pamphlets

2005-08-09T07:03:00.000-07:00

I am an avid (and speedy) reader. I have been reading some "New Mom" books during my pregnancy, recovery, and lazing about now with the child (HA!) I have received them as gifts, purchased some, and perhaps maybe now even tired of reading them...pass me the latest issue of Elle please.

What to Expect the First Year - From the makers of that famous pregnancy book. When I 1st received it from a friend, I remarked about how thick and heavy it was. Her response (interesting as she has never had children) was that the 1st year is a long one! Good reference manual but hey way they organize it by month is less applicable to babies than pregnancy as babies can do different things at different times. It may be better to do it like "Just got out the hospital time," "the 1st three months," etc. They are still kind of militant about the mother's diet though....how common is it for moms to eat tofu?! (I am Asian and I only eat it on occasion).

Girlfriend's Guide to Surviving the First Year - Vicki Iovine - Funny, funny, funny. This got me through those 1st 2 weeks of hormonal highs and lows. Author is a writer in Los Angeles who works from home with 4 kids. Some have found her to be cynical, but I think she is just contrast to all those zombie moms who say everything is "FINE" "GREAT!" "BEST TIME OF MY LIFE"

LIttle Earthquakes - Jennifer Weiner - This is a work of fiction, but I read this book over and over again during my nursing sessions with the baby. Set in Philadelphia, a story of 4 different moms who go through childbirth and newborn periods and the drama in their lives. Funny, touching, and enjoyable. One mom is a stay at home who is a former newscaster, one is a chef who works part time, one is working from home, and the other I will not mention to not give anything away. Author is a new mom married to a physician and child's name is LUCY.

Mother Shock - Andrea Buchanan - Collection of essays on motherhood, with a focus on the 1st 3 years. Author is a work at home writer (and former concert pianist) married to a physician who lives in Philadelphia and child's name is EMILY. Compares new motherhood to culture shock. Interesting fact - child carries mother's last name.

It Could Happen to You - Martha Brockenbrough - Journal of new motherhood. Authors lives in Seattle and is a work at home writer, married to IT guy. Very loving and warm as well as humorous. Child is named LUCY.

Nursing: The Complete Guide for the 1st 2 months (that may not be the exact title...but I am too lazy to go get it right now) - I think I got this from the hospital. Published by pharmaceutical/ formula company (Mead Johnson) and written by Harvard faculty. Small, easy to hold while nursing and offers succinct advice on breastfeeding.

Sex and the City Season 5 - Episodes of Miranda's pregnancy, birthing, and newborn experience. Favorite scene - where she pulls the boob out and is frustrated by her kid not latching on. Carrie is shocked at seeing enormous boob. Apparently I have heard that was a controversial scene showing a mother breast feeding. My husband's comment was that how it is that a grown man sucking a woman's breast is ok but feeding a baby is not? Baby takes mother's last name...practical in this sense because if he took his father's last name his name would be Brady Brady.

Now, my ending thoughts are that most of these books are about urban, married, moms who are white, parttime/ stay at home writers who name their children Emily or Lucy. I guess those are the people who have time to write/ wax philosophical.

To me, the blogging community is more diverse group of women. So I am still searching for a book about a Midwest/ Southern mom in a small town/ suburb who has to work full time. How about a single mom? (I guess these people are all too freaking busy). The closest book I have found is:

Where the Heart is - Billie Letts - a work of fiction - 17 year old pregnant girl gets abandoned at a Walmart in Oklahoma. Community pulls together and helps her as she gets her life together and raises her daughter.

Diaper Trivia Answers

2005-08-07T07:02:00.000-07:00

Huggies ----- Pooh & Friends

Pampers Swaddlers ---- Sesame Street

Luvs ------ Blues Clues

Target ----- Care Bears

P.S. Today is the wee one's due date. My Dh said something so great about this as I still have occasional guilt about something I did to make her come too early. He said, because she came early and we have the pleasure of having her in our lives 1 month more than we expected. (I am just tearing up just reading it.)

Diaper Trivia

2005-08-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Match the following cartoon characters with the brand of diaper they appear on.

Answers will appear tomorrow

Huggies
Pampers Swaddlers
Luvs
Target Brand

Care Bears
Sesame Street
Pooh & Friends
Blues Clues

Eating

2005-08-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

I always have to have something to stress about so yesterday was her not latching on as efficiently as usual and also a large spit up after one evening meal. The truth is that she is getting bigger and stronger and I can't position her as easily as before.

1 AM feeding...

Baby: "Hey, feed me...NOW!"
Mom: Here's dinner #3!
Baby: Wrong angle...how am I supposed to suck and swallow if my neck is all craned like this. Go this way!
Mom: How am I supposed to get the nipple in if your hands are in your mouth?
Baby: OK, I am going to move this way and...there...hmmm...nice bouquet...a bit citrusy today
Mom: Oh great, latched on....now off...oh no, now your'e tasting...are you going to eat?
Baby: OK, I'm ready...suck, suck, suck...swallow...breathe, breathe, breathe...suck, suck, suck...
Mom: Latched on...good baby

3 minutes later...

Baby: (Gasps, sputters)...Hey, too much milk for me to swallow...(unlatches)
Mom: (Moves baby into upright position and tries to burp the baby...) Crap.
Baby: (Falls asleep)
Mom: (trying not to fall asleep)...Hey baby, hey baby...so you're going to sleep now...OK, is this enough to hold you for a bit so I can get some sleep or will you wake up 1/2 hour later needing more food?
Baby: (Farts loudly)...zzzzzz....

1 month mark

2005-07-31T13:11:00.000-07:00

The wee one is one month old as of yesterday. In Chinese culture, the 1 month birthday is a cause for celebration. It also involves red eggs, but we decided to give her a small taste of vanilla ice cream instead. She liked it. I can't not believe that one month has passed and I am still keeping her alive/ thriving. She has gained 2 pounds since her birthweight and in spite of my fumbling attempts (me trying to stay awake at the midnight feeding) at motherhood. Her due date is next Sunday and my dh likes to joke about my maternity leave actually beginning then.

She also got some birthday presents from grandma of 2 new outfits that actually fit her and keep her warm. I didn't have a lot of newborn/ size 0 outfits because of what everyone tells you about them growing fast/ being big. She is also a blanket kicker and thus has chilly hands and feet if I am not on blanket patrol. She is still too small for the blanket sleepers, so the new outfits really help.

Where the mommies are

2005-07-24T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am lifting my head out of the newborn/ new mom/ sleep deprivation fog every few moments more the last few days. It is like swimming underwater in a long lap lane at the pool and taking a breath of air in the "real world." Also all the time spent sitting feeding and rocking my baby gives my ever busy mind things to think about. One is about mommy-hood.

A lot of the pregnancy/ childcare/ ass-vice books tell you to seek out other new moms to bond with. I don't disagree at all with this, as in fact I see this blogging a way to reach out and "touch." I do find it challenging in the "world" I live in. I think because of the infertility issues, many of the people I have been close to are childless for one reason or another. I do have many friends that are my age (older mommy) that have babies and kids, but they are all so busy, busy taking care of the kids, working full time, and trying to keep their marriage together, etc. that we don't see each other much. One of my lifelines has been my bf here that juggles a busy OB/Gyn practice, 2 babies under 2, a stepdaughter in her teens, and her dh. Perhaps I am at this crossroads realizing I am transforming into one of these busy moms. If we were in the world of my childhood where all the mom's were stay at home and the neighborhood was full of fellow moms maybe I wouldn't feel like this. (My neighborhood is actually full of baby boomers who have empty nests...I think this may be more of a factor of the smallness of the population of my generation.)

Maybe I just think too much....after all I am not the first mother in the world. I can be, by nature very introverted and naturally have sequestered myself and baby and immediate family telling all visitors to stay away for a week more until I gather my wits (also doctor's suggestion for the health of baby and myself). True or not, I perceive visitors as friendly but way too inquisitive. Too many questions are often asked that I cannot answer. My response so far (even to just family members) is I don't know or I haven't decided yet.

It's the conundrum of the modern woman...so many choices, so many options, no right, no wrong, all right, all wrong? Just a clueless 1st time mom? In spite of my fog, the baby is doing remarkably well.

I find myself...breastfeeding

2005-07-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant, inquiring minds wanted to know whether I would breast or bottle feed. Apparently a big decision in mommy world. I didn't really know I answered...I'm going to see what happens.

Now, because of the preemie/ NICU stay I was

1. Pumping milk to give to her in bottles

then I got tired of pumping and feeding (lots of time/ work) so I figured it was formula time BUT
baby decided to

2. Breastfeed at my boobs!

so now I am here and she is 3 weeks old and sucking away and I have been thru the gauntlet of sore nipples, scabs, and boppy pillows. I have bought some clothes with "nursing slits" and more nursing bras (I only had one, but have been making do with regular bras and just strpping down as I have been cooconing at home). So I return to work in 6 weeks so what then?

3. Breastfeeding as possible with pumping at work?

perhaps that is next...

Baby list for the minimalist

2005-07-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, everyone has a list of stuff you need for the baby so here's mine. It is ironic I call mine minimalist as I received every baby outfit sold in the surrounding 200 mile radius at my gianormous shower. And yes, I am one of those IVF mom's who didn't get a nursery decorated or have a "theme" or "colors." Here's hoping it will help someone out there in blogland.

Newborn essentials for me

1. Car seat to take baby home in from the hospital.
2. DIapers in appropriate size (may need to buy various brands...I've tried them all...she actually does best on the Target generic brand). My baby was littler than expected so we had to go get the N size (newborn) as the 300 size 1's (from diaper cake at shower) were too big and she leaked everywhere)
3. Urp/ burp cloths - especially if bottle feeding. She had less urps when I started nursing.
4. Onesies - count on at least 2 a day
5. Crib/ bed/ etc.
6. Crib sheet - 4 in one - my sister in law sent me these...so wonderful. They lay on top and have straps that snap onto the crib slats. My mattress is tightly wedged, so all the crib sheets (normal ones) are very difficult and time consuming to put on.
7. blankets - you can't have too many, especially the small flannel ones.
8. Case of bottled water for where you hang out/ feed baby/ near bed. I was amazingly thirsty all the time from pumping and breastfeeding.
9. Changing table with clothes basket and diaper pail (with cover) and scented plastic bags in throwing distance.
10. Some kind soul (my dh) to throw out diapers each day into garbage.
11. Helpful relative/ friend (my mom) to take care of you...for at least 2 weeks
12. If breastfeeding, washable cotton nursing pads, bras (several), t-shirts, lansinoh nipple ointment, boppy pillow, back pillow, glider/ comfy chair

possibly more later...

Peace, relative

2005-07-18T08:17:00.001-07:00

After a nice weekend with baby and family, I have come to a truce with the apnea monitor. Just 1 loose leads alarm, 1 fast heartrate (another false alarm) and 1 apnea (occured while I was feeding her with a bottle...she was shallow breathing). We have different leads that aren't binding her and I have learned to let go of my frustration and try my best to follow doctor's orders.

I did get to walk in my neighborhood with my dh last night. It was so nice, I haven't been able to walk for exercise/ anxiety/ sanity in over a month. Will see my Ob for a follow-up today...have some questions for him concerning my PCOS and whether or not to use contraception.

Peace, relative

2005-07-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

If it isn't one thing...

2005-07-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

The happy family is together at home and all is well except for the ANNOYING apnea monitor. At first it provided us with peace of mind and knowledge that our baby was breathing and heart beating. After many false alarms ("loose leads") and getting tangled up in the cords it is trying my patience. No apnea or heart rate issues for 1 week.

The baby is doing so well...eating 1-2 ounces every 3 hours, peeing, pooing, playing...I gave her a break off the monitor this AM and she was so much more peaceful and contented without it. I tried to put it back on her and she cried so much and kind of turned purple...I almost cried too. I gave up and am waiting for the peditrician's office to open after lunch to talk to them.

I don't want to be a bad mother/ non-compliant person, but I really don't think we need this. Her father, grandmother, and I watch her constantly and we are trained in CPR (I am a physician myself). Her own pedi even said that the pedi cardiologists believe these machines are "worthless" but she did want to keep monitoring her. I am willing to sign a paper saying I won't sue them or endanger my child. I just have this gut feeling that she is doing and will do fine without it.

She's back at home!

2005-07-10T14:56:00.000-07:00

Last night we were saying a blessing before dinner and my DH said, thanks for bringing out baby back home. I was thinking "back home?" Well that's actually right...she has been with me (at home, at work, etc) for the past 8 months and now our family (that's so cool to say/ write) is all back together under one roof.

I survived 24 hours so far with baby at home...apnea monitor and everything. She was prescribed some medication which is actually caffeine to stimulate her respiratory drive but I still have not gotten it due to incompetence/ misinformation at the fricking pharmacy (a major chain pharmacy with 24 hour 7 days service which I have a lot of problems with...begins with "W") and the insurance company. I tried to buy it with my own money but the pharmacy was reluctant and told me to call my doctor to change the medicine. Crazy! I called a buddy of mine who is a hospital pharmacist and drug guru and I called the NICU this AM and spoke with the nurse and later the doctor (he called me back!) and they throught it was wacky also. I am going to the locally owned pharmacy tomorrow (was not open on Sat) and figure it out. In the meantime I have samples of medicine and I drank a Dr. Pepper today (had been limiting my caffeine)...should pass on to the breast milk!

Back to the baby (baby on the brain)...she is totally wonderful and I know she has been stressed out being at the NICU and now it is time to relax at home with mommy and daddy.

Happy July 4th!

2005-07-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

Hi all, I am feeling somewhat human again. The baby is still in NICU but has made a lot of progress. No more CPAP (she pulled it off herself!) and O2. She is feeding (some of my breastmilk too!) and the TPN is off. She is slated to make the ride home on Wednesday if all is well. She seems a lot more peaceful and happy with fewer tubes.

My breasts are humongous (and I actually want to wear a bra!) and making milk. I am not one of those women who was going to be fanatical about the breast feeding issue. But because she is in NICU, I felt that was the one thing I could contribute to her well being and really made a effort to pump my milk even though at times I wanted to give up. Thankfully, my best friend gave me her electric breast pump and I really everything I could about relaxing visualizing the milking coming out. My mom and mother in law are curious and leary about the breastfeeding thing because they are of the time when that was NOT encouraged, but they seem to be coming around. I explained to them now a days they don't even give the "shot" that stopped milk and everyone has to deal with the breast milk coming in anyway whether you feed or not.

So Happy 4th everyone and I wish you all the best!

Baby's Here!

2005-07-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

Lindsey came 10:15 yesterday morning after my water broke at 4am... she is in NICU (34 5/7 weeks) but doing very well. I am home from the hospital after what is the shortest labor and delivery experience I have ever heard of in a primagravida. We all thought I was going to be a C-Section as the baby has been breech everytime we look, but miraculously, she turned and I delivered her vaginally. I think my daughter actually pushed herself/ crawled out. (EPIDURALS ARE WONDERFUL).

As for my new daughter, I visit the NICU with the urge to try to find her underneath all the tubes...especially it seems like she is trying to pull them all out and say "Hey, I don't belong here!"

I am tired, slow moving and am still trying to grasp the reality that I am a mother...perhaps when I finally get to hold her for more than a few minutes.

Home Sweet Home

2005-06-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

Well, 34 weeks as of yesterday and I am still at home and the baby is still inside. So far, so good. The time has actually passed with only a few moments of boredom. Mostly it is just me being anxious at first for the baby not to come too soon and now I am back to being anxious about the baby coming in the next few weeks. I am to see my doctor in 2 days and get checked out.

Thank goodness for my DH, friends, internet, my 2 entertaining cats, books, HGTV, Food Network, to keep me occupied.

This is the longest break I have every had from school/ work in a very long time. I don't think I'd be very useful at work at this point anyway. My brain seems to be preoccupied with baby thoughts and I am increasingly absent-minded.

Things beyond our knowledge

2005-06-21T09:24:00.000-07:00

My dh and I have received, over the last 1 month 3 happy phone calls/ news from friends as such:

Couple #1 - told they would never conceive, both male and female factors, even IVF would be impossible. Had child #1 without ART after 9 years of marriage. Recently found out that they are pregnant with #2.

Couple #2 - female with Turner's Syndrome. IVF #1 = 1 healthy baby boy...miracle...2 years ago. Just found out they are pregnant (naturally) with #2.

Couple #3 - male factor, female factor and advanced maternal age. Tried IVF x 1, IUI x 3. On IVF #2, no eggs. Female ovulated on her own, IUI x 1 = pregnant!

It makes me think...we know a lot, but there are still things that can happen that are beyond our knowledge, only God knows!

Sigh of relief

2005-06-17T09:27:00.000-07:00

The ultrasound yesterday showed an abundance of fluid and a healthy baby girl. She is quite big already for 32 5/7 (approx 5 lbs 4oz) and moving quite vigourously. I am so relieved that the water leak is over. I am still under orders to stay at home and bedrest and stop working. I am sure I slept better last night knowing that everything was ok for now.

I was thinking about work and wondering if I am going to go nuts at home and thought about sneaking in some work. But the more I thought about it I knew in my heart I had to do what was best for the health of the baby and myself. I know it sounds selfish to even have to think about it, but I have been getting up everyday to go to work/ school the large majority of my life (I even did extra summer school for fun).

Everyone in my life has been very understanding and that really helps a lot. Thanks for all the blogger support to all my readers.

Water, water

2005-06-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

I was bedresting yesterday afternoon (taking a nap) and woke up to pee. I changed my panty liner and went to eat a snack. About 20 minutes later I felt wet. Wet underwear. Pee? I went to the bathroom and felt an urge to have a BM. My crotch was soaked with a clear, non-pee smelling liquid...like water...WATER!?!

I called my doc and he told me to come right away to his office to check it out. My dh came to fetch me and I was thinking...oh no, I'm going to be in preterm labor...hospital..too early!

I was examined and the paper was positive but the ferning test was negative. He let me go home and today I am going over there in a few minutes and also see Dr. High Risk for a sono. My doc thinks the outer bag leaked and the inner bag is likely still intact. I have been reclining/ bedresting and have had no more troubles. I hope he is right. The baby still looked fine yesterday and she has been moving as usual. I am having irregular contractions...tightening of the belly, but nothing major.

So I am in limboland, but so far still cooking.

Slow down

2005-06-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling a bit worn out the last few days...but actually better since yesterday. I chalked it up to having houseguests and surviving my super humungous baby shower this past weekend. Also it has been very hot and humid in this usual arid, mild climate where I live. I was happy that my OB checkup was coming up this week. I was joking to myself that I hoped he would tell me to slow down (work, life, etc.), but that probably he would tell me that everything was fine and I worried too much.

Well I went this morning, and my prediction came true. I wasn't worrying too much. He checked and I have begun at 32 weeks 4 days to efface and dialate. So I am on orders to slow way down and spend a lot of time lying around. He is still letting me work a few 1/2 days a week, but I am to be horizontal as much as possible (pool time is allowed!).

The baby appears to be fine and I hope to let her cook a little longer before I meet her. Keep fingers crossed!

Elle Magazine

2005-06-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

I was just commenting the other day to one of my girlfriends that since I have been married and now with child, my magazine interests have changed a bit. I used to look forward to devouring the latest fashion mags, Elle especially as it is one of the more intelligent ones out there. But lately I am finding Redbook and Good Housekeeping (?!) more interesting. Love fashion and dating topics, but marriage/ baby advice is more relevant to the current stage of my life.

Today, however, I got my Elle and there was a article about how some people were going the "natural" route treating infertility...expensive spas, Chinese medicine, and rebalancing with herbs, etc. and not going the Western medicine, "instant gratification" methods (articles words, not mine), IVF (I would hardly consider IVF as instant gratification), etc. Interesting reading, presented different views, etc., but I couldn't help thinking, even though a lot of it was "natural" it was still the same..."I'll try anything to get pregnant"... which is truly the point where many people dealing with infertility are/ were at (including myself). Also interesting many of the women in the article were over 40 and trying for the 1st time even many with obvious menopausal symptoms.

Denial? Hope? I don't know.

It also still reeks of the "it's your fault you can't get pregnant" crap. You have an imbalance because you are too career oriented, too short, too fat, too stressed, too non-herbal, too "whatever." We don't need anyone else, natural or not, telling women they are at fault because they don't get pregnant easily/ at all.

The Pregnant Club

2005-06-06T15:30:00.000-07:00

I have finally come to accept that I am a member of the Pregnant club. I wasn't sure I'd ever make it, but it is time to face the reality. It really hit me these past 2 weeks as I have been getting bigger and bigger as well as walking into the room full of pregnant women (and their spouses/ partners) at childbirth class. Why am I in here with all these fat bellied women? Oh yeah, I am one of those too. I know this may sound a bit weird coming from a woman who is now 31 weeks pregnant, but that is how strange the mind is.

Gross things coming out of my body

2005-05-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

WARNING: IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, READ NO FURTHER...CONTAINS GRAPHIC BODILY FUNCTION DESCRIPTIONS.

Top 10 Gross things coming out of my body during this pregnancy
1. Smelly gas (lower)...that's bad when you think your own farts are terrible.
2. Urine leaking out whenever and wherever. Pantiliners in bulk!
3. Vaginal fluids of all kinds of consistencies/ color ranges. I have been treated 2x for vaginosis, but all has been pronounced healthy, but its still flowing (hormones)
4. Nipple stuff. Occasionally small flecks of whitish debris can be found escaping my nipple area.
5. Smelly belches (upper)...I was embarassed when my DH commented on the foul stench of one of my burps in the car.
6. Belly button is coming out (inverting actually...I had a serious innie before) and I can actually manipulate my belly button to pooch even further out. Hey, at least there is less space for belly button lint to collect.
7. Smelly Poo...actually I am very grateful for this as I have a history of constipation
8. Small spider veins found anywhere from my chest to my legs...complex neworks of vascular growth!
9. Occasional bad language when I am clumsy and bang my knees on things.
10. Burning acid coming up my esophagus when I eat certain kinds of tomato sauces/ bend over/ etc.

ALL this so I can have the most beautiful thing come out of my body...my child!

Working Mom

2005-05-11T19:03:00.000-07:00

Mother's day has come and gone. I was at church on Sunday and they have a tradition of honoring all the moms present with a flower. They gave me one and I said, hey, I am not a mom yet. Close enough people chuckled. Wow, I am going to be someone's mom.

On the mom topic, many have asked if I am still working. I figured that I would work as long as I can do it and still be healthy (also the more I work the more I can sock away for the time I am not working). I may cut back a bit but I think I will get bored sitting around too much at home. Also our bills depend on both me and my dh working. I am very anal about money and could probably be more relaxed about it, but I take very seriously the expression "Be prepared." And, I would rather have more time after the baby comes. That's when the real work begins!

Showered with attention

2005-05-06T15:57:00.000-07:00

Quick update: I love my doctor...I picked the right one. After I talked to him, he was very reassuring and told me to just check my sugars here and there and limit my starches. If my sugars started climbing I might need a bit of insulin. Other than that, he didn't want to make any changes.

Something about me...
I grew up in a very modest family and baby showers tended to be 20 people things at church with punch, white cake (homemade), and pastel pillow mints (leftover from the wedding?!). It was always attended by little old ladies, moms and a few kids and we sat on metal folding chairs passing things around.

Something about my husband...
He grew up in a wealthier family whose matriarch threw parties that are always the talk of the town (and often involved champagne). So (like my wedding shower), my baby shower (I live in the same town as my in-laws) will be a gala affair with a gazillion people invited (and showing up) to graze on horderves (I can't even spell the word). The current guest list involves three digit numbers. The hostesses (buddies of my MIL) are very understanding and gracious and look forward to planning and hosting this shindig.

While I am very grateful so many people are excited about this baby, I can't help but have trepidation about surviving the whole thing. I have decided to adjust my attitude and go with the flow. I can always take a nap in the middle (using my unborn child as an excuse) if I get worn out. Maybe someone will even bring me a glass of punch in between all the socializing.

More blogging...

2005-05-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

I decided to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I have self-examined this weekend and think I am carrying a lot of anger and frustration around from past issues in my life, not the least of which, the infertility issue. I noticed that I have been thinking thoughts like, "hey, if it was 10 years ago, I'd be 24 and probably wouldn't have such a time getting/ being pregnant." I know, I know, non-productive thinking. But it made me finally face the facts...I am human and have health issues and am angry about them. It's OK. Things could be worse, but it is ok to have human feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, selfishness and grief.

My anemia is very mild and I don't think this will be much of an issue. The thyroid is actually appearing to be too high (very odd) and I take medicine everyday. I anticipate it will be cut back. It is very odd because usually the pregnancy will require MORE thyroid, not less. The glucose issue...I am preparing to hear my doctor out and let him know that I am willing to stick to a good diet and even prick my finger (I am already doing it...OUCH).

So I decided to move on with life and go register at Target for my baby shower which is in 1 month. My dh came along and I let him pick out the toys and fun stuff and I debated about strollers and car seats. We left satisfied.

Back sooner than I thought

2005-04-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back again. I guess a little break was good and bad. I think that I was blissfully pregnant and didn't want to bum anyone out with happy, happy all the time. I am still relatively blissfully pregnant, but there are some possible kinks again...of course...this bizarre body of mine.

So some updates...

1. Flunked 1 hour OGTT...tried again as the lab screwed up and gave me too much glucose the 1st time...2nd try with appropriate amount of glucose drink (ICK)...flunked it again. Am questioning whether lab is reliable.
2. Anemia has shown up in the blood work
3. Thyroid tests are out of whack
4. Seriously considering repeating all lab again at another lab.
5. Waiting to hear from OB doc...
6. Do not want to take 3 hour OGTT...1 hour made me feel really, really bad. I can't imagine how the baby felt.
7. Am willing and have been checking fingerstick blood glucoses and all have been normal/ borderline.
8. Know that I have been bad about sweets, sodas, carbs
9. Have been a good girl these past 3 days and think I can do it for the next 3 months.
10. Am mad at my body again

...but somehow I feel that the baby is doing fine and I actually feel really good most of the time.

Thus the frustration and using blog again to vent/ find hope/ share problems with the world.

Blogged out

2005-04-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have always thought that there would be a point when there would be less to say about all this stuff. I think I may have reached it. I think I feel like if what I say/ write/ blog isn't real helpful to people, it would be time to conclude it. I may still blog occasionally, but as you can see already a lot less than before. Thank you all loyal readers and friends. I wish everyone the best.

Oreos

2005-03-28T19:31:00.000-08:00

Minutes ago, I just wolfed down the most Oreo cookies I have ever eaten in my life. Before my usual intake for this wonderful cookie was 2. A fresh package and a cold glass of milk plus surging homones = Cookie Monster. The only thing that kept me from devouring the entire package was that my DH walked into the room and I offered to share and then made myself put them away. I am rationalizing as I had a bit of tummy upset earlier and now I need the extra energy.

A day of I's

2005-03-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up and had to pee. Then I had to pee when I got to work. Then I had to pee after I had my after breakfast snack. Then I had to pee between that snack and what I had to do next. Then I had to pee before lunch. OK, something amuck. I had noticed I had more (how do I put this nicely) irritation and needed to place a liner in my undies for the last 2-3 days. Yikes! I might have an infection. Rather than trying to diagnose and treat myself I called up my OB. He was out on Spring Break but his NP would be happy to get me in at the end of the day.

I was grateful and went to over to be examined. The NP was really nice and did a great job of taking care of me. She noted that I was one of the RE's patients before and had done IVF. Oh, yeah, I smiled, I am an IVF success story. The NP said, oh, I went thru 3 attempts with IVF but no luck. Wow, I thought, what a strong person to survive that and still be able to work day in and day out taking care of pregnant women.

I gratefully accepted my antibiotic samples and thanked her for her care of me. I now realize how many more people than I thought have struggled in this battle of infertility.

Rolling rocks in my abdomen

2005-03-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

I am now 19+ weeks and my pregnancy books have mentioned that I would be feeling fetal movements as early as 16 weeks. Well I haven't noticed anything yet like my friends and books have described...bubbles, fluttering, feathery floating sensations. But the last few days I have noticed that I keep feeling a heavy sensation like a rock in my lower abdomen. About 2 days ago, it felt like it was rolling here and there in my abdomen. Today I realized, hey, that's the baby moving. Its not gas, and I don't have to poo. Its not a piece of poo...its my kid! Heavy rocks rolling...not a bubble or a feather or stuff like that.

Something for my DH

2005-03-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

My DH, unlike me, doesn't not have a blog on infertility nor great new blog friends to empathasize with during all this time. He remains happily chatting on his baseball fantasy boards and anticipating the start of the spring baseball season. That doesn't mean he doesn't care...he has been and is my pillar of support; it is just different for him. He is always amazed by my stack of pregnancy books on my bedside table (spilling onto the floor) and how fast I read thru them. In someways he doesn't have many places to go for infertility/ having a baby advice. Perhaps that is why he has been more cautious than I in bringing up what we had to do to get here.

So to give him something back and to reassure him (and myself), I have did 2 things. One was to have him call one of his best childhood friends so I could talk to his wife about her ivf experience. This was not just to reassure me, but so his friend could tell dh about his experience.

The second thing I did was riskier. We met another one of his childhood friends for dinner and he and his wife had recently had their 1st baby after 7 years of marriage. They knew about our pregnancy and I quietly shared with the wife that we had a miracle as it was thru ivf. She smiled and said they went thru ivf also. Her husband (ever observant) caught our exchange and the conversation turned to theirs and our ivf experience. He was amazed at yet another thing that bonded him and my dh's enduring friendship (over 20 years).

How did I get here?

2005-03-02T15:53:00.000-08:00

I was married about 2 years ago and the biological clock sounded even when I was dating my husband. I guess he was the right guy and I was hitting above 30 in the age group. We tried the natural way for about 6 months and after discussing with my family doctor and thinking about my crazy, almost non-existant periods, I sought the help of the reproductive endocrinologist. My DH was concerned with my decision, which he felt was premature, but supported me and came along to visits.

4 failed cycles of injectibles/ IUI later and 1 year of time passed, he was convinced that I wasn't being hasty in all of this. The RE was suggested 2 more cycles before the leap to IVF, but after some more deep thought and the suggestion from my DH and my mom to move onto IVF, we went for IVF. It was scary for me to come to terms with that decision. It meant that this was IT...the ultimate in what we could do to grow a baby inside of me that was part me and part DH.

IVF #1 started along with a one time Lupron shot to shut it all down, followed by some gonal F for 3 weeks. My estrogen kept peaking and they had to coast me twice. 3 days before the planned egg harvest, the RE called me with BAD news; the estrogen level plummeted and was consistant with only 1 egg thriving. I was devastated and cried a river of tears. I couldn't even get to the IVF and maybe this was the end of this dream for me.

I gathered my wits and my dh loved me even more and we were ready for IVF #2. I had a lot of weeks of Lupron this time and gonal F with a few shots of repronex thrown in at the end. Even thing was much more smooth this time. I felt less sick and bloated than last time. 5 eggs were harvested and 3 fertilized and transferred. And, as you know, one of them decided to stick around.

So here I am.

Continuing on...

2005-03-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

I had my QUAD screen done last week and got the results yesterday. Everything is normal and appropriate to my gestation age. My thyroid checked out OK too. So another hurdle of prenatal testing is cleared. My ultrasound (THE official one) is schedule for 3 weeks from now. The plan is to find out the gender then and I can start shopping/planning/ more daydreaming.

On other topics, I had lunch with a friend the other day that is in the stage of planning/ creating a pregnancy and is dealing with some infertility issues. I told her that if she didn't want to talk babies/ pregnancy I could talk about other things. She reassured me that it comforted her to talk with me because I understood. I think that is why a lot of people still are scared to talk about infertility/ keep it a shameful/ secretive issue. There are still a few people out there who don't understand or support those who are going through the process.

One of my friends has a daughter beginning the injectables and was asking me why I thought so many people in my generation were having to do all this stuff to get pregnant. I gave her the short version (I have written about this on my blog in Jan I think)and thought it was just more available and people used to just adopt/ live with it/ not talk about it.

Thank goodness for the internet blogs, boards, and understand friends and family, medical personnel that DO exist who understand this so very well.

La, la, la...

2005-02-22T18:36:00.000-08:00

The happy hormones have been kicking in lately. I catch myself humming or singing out loud. I am even a new American Idol fan. Maybe I am producing in my womb, the next musical wonder. I just know he/she doesn't like chicken that much (nausea). I am even thinking of buying a karaoke machine. There are definately musical genes in the family. My sister in law was a professional musician (singer) for a while and I was a competitive classical pianist during my childhood and teen years. It sure is fun to think about what interesting things my child may do.

It is less fun to think about getting more prenatal tests. My OB offered the "Quad Screen" (formerly known as "Triple Screen") and my first response was "yes." I put off the decision while I was gone and discussed it with my DH as well as my OB friend. I decided to stick with my first instinct "yes" even though I know it may bring things that might not be good. But, it is pretty much "standard" and I am trying to be as normal a pregnant woman as possible.

So, to help me think about all those worries less, I am going to go download some more songs into my iPod. (at this very moment, I am listening to "Pride (In the Name of Love) by U2."

A Good Book for Pregnant Infertiles

2005-02-20T19:34:00.000-08:00

I was reading A Beautiful Day's blog and she mentioned a famous preganancy book "What to Expect When you Are Expecting" and offered some additions and I thought I might add to her suggestions also. I have been stocking up on the books since my BFP turned into a pregnancy. One of the ones that has brought me both reassurance and made me laugh out loud is "Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy" by Vicki Iovine. I actually bought her follow-up book 1st, "Girlfriends' Guide to the First Year" and enjoyed it. I think I like the book because the author is in her 30s, infertile for a few years and then had a bunch of kids, was a Playboy bunny, and has a funny sense of humor, and a nice style of writing. I think some of the stuff in there is pretty silly, but most of it is very realistic and practical advice. This is not a book of medical advice, but more like the blogs, because it addresses emotional issues, worries, and random thoughts. If you are a very young, easily fertile, granola, home water birth, no drugs, natural, no hospital, no doctors, exercise crazy, kind of person, you probably might not like it as much. But likely for most readers who like my blog you'll find this book a nice addition to your library. "What to Expect When You are Expecting" is like a dry medical text compared to this book.

Whew, whew, whew...

2005-02-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

I was getting ready to go to the doctor's this morning and making sound effects for my DH in our acoustically-cool bathroom. I am really good at making the sounds of the baby heartbeat on the fetal doppler. It is such a nice sound...musical even.

Everything checked out at the OB's. He told me he had been up since 1:30 AM for a delivery...I don't think I could have handled being an obstetrician. I like my sleep, but I guess I'd better face the facts that in 6 months, the MOM job will also have that inconvenience. Minor, I think, in return for what I hope to experience.

I am taking off for a few days and going to see my folks. Home to mom...

Whew, whew, whew....

Will I ever stop worrying?

2005-02-11T20:08:00.000-08:00

I had a mini panic attack tonight...thinking about what happened earlier this week. I asked my husband, "Will I ever stop worrying if the baby is OK? All my life until it ends?" He replied (ever the wise one), "That's what we signed up for."

It seems that everything I do could harm the baby...eating fish, drinking a coke, taking a walk, forgetting to take vitamins, etc. I want to blame myself for the spotting even though my Ob tells me it was nothing I did and I know from my own medical knowledge that things can happen, no matter what you do. At the end of the last visit I got a brief nutritional reminder again to watch my carbs and load on the veggies. My mom reminds me to keep off my feet and not stand too long. The books are full of things to do and not to do. I am not supposed to work so much.

But my body don't crave or like the taste of a lot of veggies now. It wants a piece of toast with jam. I feel good when I walk for exercise. My work brings me satisfaction that I am doing something meaningful in the world.

My DH, again the wise one, reminded me of those women in the fields that kept working during their pregnancies. He said, listen to your body. It will tell you what to do. We will always worry about our children.