After the IVF

This year as I was sitting down to the great feast at the dining table on Thursday, I had a flashback to last year.

We were at my in-laws house. I had finished eating one of my most favorite meals of the year when I had a feeling something wasn't right. I had had my IVF the week previous and only my DH knew at that time. I got up to go to the bathroom and there in my underpants, blood. Brownish blood, but blood nonetheless. Somehow we made an excuse to go home for a bit so I could call my doctor. I hyperventilated in the car the whole way home (actually only 5 minutes). I apologized profusely for disturbing her Thanksgiving and she listened and reassured me that it was probably the progesterone suppositories irritating the vaginal tissues. My DH suggested bathing (I had given up baths and just showered) to help clean the area and also sooth my nerves. There was no more bleeding that day, I stopped the suppositories, and I started baths again.

This year as I was smacking my lips on stuffing and putting some sweet potatoes on the lips of the happy baby on my lap, I thought about last year and said a prayer of thanks.

I peed on a stick today....Negative.

Why do you ask?
NO period since delivery
Breastfeeding
Hair falling out
Face breaking out
PCOS
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis
post-IVF for #1
Can barely handle one baby and part time job with full time help and maid once a week

WHY?
Good question....some crazy hope that I will be just like my 3 best/good friends who had their kids 1 year apart...to prove that YES, I am still an infertile person...to acknowledge there is some HOPE in my heart that perhaps my body will come around...

Well, here I am, still breastfeeding the little one (4.5m old). I have once again tried to make an attempt to SLOWLY wean, introduce solids, and deal with her sleeping longer thru the night. So yesterday, according to the books, I didn't pump ONE time at work and last night I work at 3AM with an engorged, rock hard, hot left breast. That has always been the side with the abundant milk supply and actually not her favorite. I tried everything, cabbage leaves, hand expressing a little out to relieve some pain, ice pack, massage (around it...I could barely touch it), deep breathing, trying to sleep again (a little bit then I rolled over and AGHHHH pain!) and I WASN'T GOING TO WAKE A SLEEPING BABY. Then finally 2 hours later I heard her sucking her fingers. I rushed to her bed and picked her up to nurse. 30 seconds later, sweet relief. Maybe I should have woken her up...but that would continue the problem with stimulating them.

OK I give up. I will breastfeed her until she's 21. I still have some options...don't skip pumping but pump a little less (probably doable, but when I don't pump enough I get plugged ducts), antihistamines (I'll be drugged up), and birth control pills (it was so hard to get pregnant I don't ever want to do anything again to prevent it).

I am not sure if I am ready really, but I am ready for my boobs to feel normal again and be able to wear a real bra without plugged ducts, irritation, etc. My boobs have always been weird. I have rarely found a bra that fits/ feel comfortable, even before pregnancy. I have been measured, tried different fabrics, sizes, cups, etc. With breastfeeding it has become even more difficult. If the bra is just a bit snug, I get plugged ducts. All I can stand right now are nontight fitting tank bras or tank tops. The nursing bras have too many seams that rub up a plugged duct. I am a normal sized woman with B-C sized breasts in the lower range of the recommended weight....some even say I am thin...how can this be that I have an odd chest/breast area. So even though they are weird, they really make milk...I am ready to join La Leche for life. Maybe a career as a WET NURSE? All you gals who formula feed are probably laughing/ sighing with relief. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy nursing her but the other parts are not so fun.

After sampling a variety of solid foods, the little one has developed a bit of constipation. We had run out of "baby" juice so I cracked open a can of Dole pineapple juice for her to try this AM. I recalled in the back of my mind that I had read in one of my "you are being a bad mother" books that certain juices (orange) shouldn't be started too soon. But I couldn't remember why. A quick Google was no help so I gave it to her anyway. She has been fine all day. I finally made it to the store and got her favorite Gerber "mixed fruit" juice. I perused the ingredients...orange, apple, & pineapple...no wonder she likes it! I wish Orange Julius was still around here, she would love those.

Another non-sequitur post...

Here's a link to a really funny video that is from Southern China, where my family is originally from.

2 Chinese Students

Enjoy!

My sleep deprivation makes me kind of funny. Instead of realizing that tiredness = need to cut back and slow down, my mind says stuff like "hey, I'll take on yet another project, committment, etc." Actually my voice says it and then later my mind catches up and realizes that I should have said the opposite. I think for a while I have been deluding myself into thinking that the worst it was over and it was back to "normal." It is probably true that the worst is over only in the sense that yes, occasionally I still have to be up twice at night, but I know what to expect and it's not a big surprise. So at this moment, I am really tired, it's only 8:15 PM and the baby has just been put down to sleep and she is crying. I am praying for at least a few hours in a row of sleep tonight for myself.