After the IVF

Yesterday after I fed her, I put her on my shoulder to burp her. Instead of the usual beer bar belch, I got some smacky lips on my shoulder. My imagination spun; is she kissing me and saying "Thanks Mommy, thanks Mommy for feeding and taking care of me!"? I pulled her away and a large gob of spit up milk came with and appeared on my shoulder. Well, hey its the thought that counts.

In the world of public reactions to pregnancy and childbirth, there seem to be a lot of comments on my appearance. I am PCOS, but I am a normal weight for my height. I gained about 12 pounds during pregnancy and ate heartily and according to the diet and prescribed calorie level for a gestational diabetic. I was worried I was not gaining enough, that my body was failing me again (apparently a common, recurrent thought of infertiles...even when pregnancy). But the doctor wasn't worried. The baby was a good size and I felt pretty good until I was the last parts of the pregnancy. I didn't not exercise after the 3rd month due to spotting issues causing me to be scared out of my mind.

After I delivered, I was under my prepregnancy weight and actually have gained weight since then. I honestly would have liked to have a few extra pounds and not have to have gone thru the not fun part of pre term delivery, NICU visits, and bringing home a preemie. But I don't really go into that when people comment on how "thin" I look. I don't consider myself "thin," just normal, average weight. I believe that people mean this as a compliment, but I secretly wonder if they think I am a vain, looks obsessed woman. Perhaps part of me is, but those comments don't really make me feel good as one would think. I used to say "thanks" and now I just say, "uh-huh" and change the subject.

What a different one week makes. We have all be sleeping better and longer and the world is so much better when viewed thru rested eyes and brain. I have made it thru the 2nd week of work and have managed to keep on keeping on. I don't know how it is for other work outside moms but the baby wakes up when I get home and is interactive with me until I go to bed (and sometimes beyond that!). She nurses and dozes on my chest/ lap and in general is a big cuddlebug.

After keeping her a home mostly thus far, I feel finally ready to venture out to a few places with her...particularly church and the park. I am less anxious about her and am trying to go with her rhythm and flow.

As an older mom (i.e., I am in my mid 30s vs. 20s) I believe I am more anxious and more challenged physcially than I would have been, lets say, 10 years ago. I remember that I could stay up all night (well at least until 3 or so) and be mostly fine the next morning unless I had had more than enough to drink. I suppose nature designed it that way, but me, I wasn't ready until now mentally. I could not even imagine kids/ babies 10 years ago...I was still a kid. It makes me think about a lot of society now...I read an article the other day about how childhood is longer than before as many people are in school longer/ living with their parents longer. That age 25 is now the new 18. It just made me think about the reprocussions on female fertility...

I started back to work full time (a close approximation of it as labor day was a holiday) and things were going pretty well until Thursday. I had to go to the hospital to check on one of my patients who was in bad shape in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall asleep when I got back. The baby's routine was not disrupted...I didn't even miss her feedings, but for some reason my mind was jumpy and racing. The next day, I had to work 3 hours in the morning, but I was feeling the effects of the lack of sleep by lunchtime.

By the afternoon (even after a brief nap) I was emotional and teary, especially when I had to go back up to the hospital about 20 minutes after the nanny left. I couldn't get a hold of my dh as he was out of his office on an errand, but did get grandma who was quickly on her way over. I got my work done and was home in less than 2 hours. The baby continued to be just fine and dandy. I just felt so terrible, physically, emotionally, almost over the edge. Looking back it wasn't that big a deal, but deprived of a foundation of sleep, I couldn't deal with it at all. This situation is rare actually but it just happened to occur in my 1st week back. After a better nights sleep (even with every 3-4 hour nursing) I was back to normal (semi!) this morning. I am just glad I survived and glad I had people to call on to help me.

I don't regret going back to work, but I should have been more prepared in my attitude that things don't always go as planned....and also find a short acting sleeping pill to use as needed! And to be realistic as I know tend to have anxiety problems when I don't get enough sleep.

I was watching Oprah the today and Julia Roberts was visiting one of the Katrina shelters. She visited with a mom and 4 month old and she described how she carried the baby & his 4 year old brother out of their flooded neighborhood. They showed pictures of the kids at the shelter...babies, toddlers, kids, tweens, teens. The donated goods were shown, boxes of diapers, cases of formula, toys, and a shot of a gated area where toddlers were playing together. I felt so grateful that I was at home, safe with my baby in my arms. I had started to send some diapers to the local collection drive (I have about 300 size 1 from a "diaper cake" at my shower), but decided to send money to the American Red Cross & other relief efforts.