After the IVF

This beautiful decoration was the centerpiece at my baby shower. It is made of size 1 Pampers Baby Dry and decorated by the best florist in town. I am about 1/2 thru using the diapers and it has been so nice not to have to buy diapers for the past 3 months. The babe is getting bigger and bigger and moving perilously closer to size 2...so I will have to head to the store soon.

It is funny that when I was pregnant and planning, I was going to use cloth diapers and formula feed. I am currently doing the opposite. Such is life.

This is a non-baby, non-infertility related post. Just some venting on how hard it is to be a person who always crosses their Ts and dots their Is. Maybe I am just a compulsive person, but when I take on something I always do my best to follow through on what I need to do. Sometimes I wish I wasn't like this and be like others who don't really give a rat's ass whether they keep their promises/ finish their projects/ show up when and where they need to be. I am a member of a service organization that has a bunch of people like me, but there are some who are so not. Even with the baby (ok, so I had to slip that in) I have managed to keep my promises even with learning to do/ commit to less. My parents trained me very well and I also had some very disciplined teachers in school that have molded me in this way.

So every night, I put a fresh diaper on the baby, nurse the baby and rock her and then put her to bed. It usually happens in some form or fashion and at various times. Lately I have been trying to be consistent in the routine and times as I read babies need consistency (I know myself that I am like that too). We used to pick her up when she cried but now that she is almost 4 months we have been letting her cry it out longer and trying not to pick her up. We used to blame it on that she didn't like the crib, but that is where she is safe and that is where she sleeps at night. It doesn't really take that long usually (the crying to turn into sleep) but it sure does seem long when those cries are so loud and insistent. There is so much out there about this subject, so many ways to mess up your kid (!) but I think that for the 99% of the time that she is happy, this 1% isn't so bad.

Last night we had a heck of a time getting the babe to sleep. Lots of crying, rocking, nursing, promises of happy things, and finally at a late hour, she dozed off. I got up to use the bathroom in the wee hours and hear her start to wake but then she quieted. I laid down to listen for the inevitible 3AM feed. I blinked my eyes and then I woke with a start. The clock said 7 AM. WOW! She slept all the way thru the night, the first time ever. A small gift of sleep...I don't expect it again although I would be thrilled if this was a new pattern.

3 1/2 months since I gave birth and my memories of the early, crazy, baby days are there but starting to get fuzzy and foggy. It is amazing, I feel, that I have made it this far. She is sleeping in the night, waking once to eat. Daytime naps are erratic, but she has more calm, peaceful periods. I actually have begun to be aware of what I am doing, housework, computer time, eating, bathing, etc. instead of just rushing, rushing, rushing so that I am ready to care for the baby's needs. The needs are still there, but I am getting used to it.

With the nanny's schedule and my work schedule, I have built in some time before and after to compensate for any work/ home issues/ problems/ emergencies. Some days I have this time and have to make a choice, home to the baby/ start dinner or take a few moments to shop/ run errands/ etc. Sometimes I find I don't want to do either. Both can be tiring. These times, I just want to take a nap/ lounge/ veg. With a nanny in the house I find it is hard for me to really relax (I have a comfortable, but open planned house). I usually send her home early and try to nap/ lounge/ veg with the baby. When my dh is home, it is not as much a problem (except when he brings the baby to "see what mommy is doing."

The apnea monitor has been discontinued (hooray!!!!) I was wavering about changing pediatricians and got all worked up about it. But behold, common sense has prevailed and the pediatrician decided to stop the monitoring as she was moving so much and doing well.

The babe is becoming cuter and cuter each day. She has discovered her hands and that they are good for sucking on. Life is sweet.

I am just venting right now so I don't waste anymore precious brain cells thinking and fretting about this. We are at 3 months 1 week and baby is still having to wear the apnea monitor at night. The other night I found her turned 180 degrees and the cord tangled up around her feet. It was about 4 in the morning and I was pretty annoyed and scared that she could have strangled herself in the cords. It didn't happen again but I called the ped's office today to report the problem. The nurse said I needed to place the cord better and the monitor would stay on, at least until 6 months old. That's when I got annoyed. The doctor had said it would be 4 months and I AM PLACING THE CORD CORRECTLY. The home health people were sympathetic and said they would download today to produce the 2 standard "clean" reports that the leading medical school recommends to have the monitor discontinued. Part of me likes the monitor (we only have it on at night) so I know she is breathing, but I think it is riskier to have the cord in there as a hazard now that she is old enough to move around in the crib. What good is the monitor if my child harms herself with the potentially strangulating cord? I am even willing to sign things that promise that I won't sue anyone. Hopefully there will be some resolution to this soon.

I talked myself "down from the ledge" by thinking about how lucky I was to have this child and that I could be crying about not having one at all. Still, I pray that the monitor can come off soon. Why hasn't anyone invented a wireless form of these machines? My Apple computer has all kinds of wireless technology!

I actually have a box of outgrown baby clothes now. It is amazing to me to even be at this point. I could not even wrap my brain around the concept of such a thing before. The repeated failures of not getting pregnant blocked out most any thoughts this nature. In a weird way, I think infertility had me so focused on pregnancy that actually being a mother now, holding a ever enlarging, wiggly, pooping, smiling, cooing child has me in shock and awe.