After the IVF

The happy hormones have been kicking in lately. I catch myself humming or singing out loud. I am even a new American Idol fan. Maybe I am producing in my womb, the next musical wonder. I just know he/she doesn't like chicken that much (nausea). I am even thinking of buying a karaoke machine. There are definately musical genes in the family. My sister in law was a professional musician (singer) for a while and I was a competitive classical pianist during my childhood and teen years. It sure is fun to think about what interesting things my child may do.

It is less fun to think about getting more prenatal tests. My OB offered the "Quad Screen" (formerly known as "Triple Screen") and my first response was "yes." I put off the decision while I was gone and discussed it with my DH as well as my OB friend. I decided to stick with my first instinct "yes" even though I know it may bring things that might not be good. But, it is pretty much "standard" and I am trying to be as normal a pregnant woman as possible.

So, to help me think about all those worries less, I am going to go download some more songs into my iPod. (at this very moment, I am listening to "Pride (In the Name of Love) by U2."

I was reading A Beautiful Day's blog and she mentioned a famous preganancy book "What to Expect When you Are Expecting" and offered some additions and I thought I might add to her suggestions also. I have been stocking up on the books since my BFP turned into a pregnancy. One of the ones that has brought me both reassurance and made me laugh out loud is "Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy" by Vicki Iovine. I actually bought her follow-up book 1st, "Girlfriends' Guide to the First Year" and enjoyed it. I think I like the book because the author is in her 30s, infertile for a few years and then had a bunch of kids, was a Playboy bunny, and has a funny sense of humor, and a nice style of writing. I think some of the stuff in there is pretty silly, but most of it is very realistic and practical advice. This is not a book of medical advice, but more like the blogs, because it addresses emotional issues, worries, and random thoughts. If you are a very young, easily fertile, granola, home water birth, no drugs, natural, no hospital, no doctors, exercise crazy, kind of person, you probably might not like it as much. But likely for most readers who like my blog you'll find this book a nice addition to your library. "What to Expect When You are Expecting" is like a dry medical text compared to this book.

I was getting ready to go to the doctor's this morning and making sound effects for my DH in our acoustically-cool bathroom. I am really good at making the sounds of the baby heartbeat on the fetal doppler. It is such a nice sound...musical even.

Everything checked out at the OB's. He told me he had been up since 1:30 AM for a delivery...I don't think I could have handled being an obstetrician. I like my sleep, but I guess I'd better face the facts that in 6 months, the MOM job will also have that inconvenience. Minor, I think, in return for what I hope to experience.

I am taking off for a few days and going to see my folks. Home to mom...

Whew, whew, whew....

I had a mini panic attack tonight...thinking about what happened earlier this week. I asked my husband, "Will I ever stop worrying if the baby is OK? All my life until it ends?" He replied (ever the wise one), "That's what we signed up for."

It seems that everything I do could harm the baby...eating fish, drinking a coke, taking a walk, forgetting to take vitamins, etc. I want to blame myself for the spotting even though my Ob tells me it was nothing I did and I know from my own medical knowledge that things can happen, no matter what you do. At the end of the last visit I got a brief nutritional reminder again to watch my carbs and load on the veggies. My mom reminds me to keep off my feet and not stand too long. The books are full of things to do and not to do. I am not supposed to work so much.

But my body don't crave or like the taste of a lot of veggies now. It wants a piece of toast with jam. I feel good when I walk for exercise. My work brings me satisfaction that I am doing something meaningful in the world.

My DH, again the wise one, reminded me of those women in the fields that kept working during their pregnancies. He said, listen to your body. It will tell you what to do. We will always worry about our children.

No more bleeding. Thanks, loyal readers, for the supportive comments and prayers. I feel OK today, just relieved that things are holding. I had just passed my 1st trimester is over point and was finally relaxing into my pregnancy. I have been feeling so good I forget I am pregnant sometimes. I looked at some pictures from Christmas time and I look so tired in them compared to now.

I did some research and talked to my OB friend some more. Apparently these subchorionic bleeds happen randomly and she told me not to blame myself for anything I did (although it is natural to). I am now back to thinking I am a fragile vessel again. One of the church ladies that came to wish me a happy pregnancy told me that she waterskiied during her 4th month of pregnancy. I tried not to feel sorry for myself but my good thing a sympathetic friend (who knew about the spotting) was right there next to me.

I am truly blessed with the friends I have.

Last night, I was feeling irritated in my rectal area and figured my hemorrhoid was acting up. I went to the bathroom and peed and wiped. BLOOD. Hmmm...I thought, my hemorrhoid, but I figured out quickly that it was coming from my vagina. YIKES! Deep breath...think. Wipe some more. Go lay down, tell DH, and call my best friend, the OB.

She said, I'm still at the office, come over and we'll check the baby. I had no cramps or pain, so I worried a tiny bit less, but we drove over to her office. Mind seems to feel dissociated from body. Husband trying to make jokes to cheer me.

Ultrasound: 1. Heartbeat, check 2. Growing baby, check 3. No obvious bleeding source except placenta is lying low. Go home, eat, feel better, blame it all on a 1. full work day, 2. trip to Walmart 3. Cleaning out fridge, and 4. a walk around the park. 5. Cooking dinner. SLEEP, blessed sleep, few dreams of vaginal bleeding.

This morning, called my OB. Told to come in right away. Vaginal ultrasound reveals small blood clot between amnion and chorion (placenta), baby is fine. Internal exam is fine. Doctor tells me to take it easy, no "relations" and that it will be resorbed and I should be fine. Sighs of relief. I promise him I will be careful.

RE happens to call to check on me today. Tell her brief version, and try to emphasize for her (and me) that baby is fine and growing.

It is all still a bit unreal to me. I have been having feelings of wanting to be with my loved ones...even called my MIL and had lunch with her and DH.

A Catholic friend of mine gave me this prayer when I was IVF-ing. It brought comfort to me.

"Good St. Gerard, we desire to personify our love. Through your prayers of intersession while still living among us, mothers have safely delivered healthy babies against all odds. One whose holiness can help to work such miracles, sure can aid in the miracle of conception. Thuse we ask for your saintly intersession now that I and my husband may be blessed with a child. We aspire to be good parents, to raise a child that we may love as our very own, even while knowing that he or she is a child of God. Please, we pray, join your voice with ours in our plea to our loving Creator, from whom all life has its beginning."

I am not Catholic (and couldn't tell you who St. Gerard was), but while surfing the net I found that some Catholics had (some still) opposed ivf/ other infertility treatments. But many changed their tune after a while! (I guess probably after they themselves went thru being infertile).